The Lost Journey ❤️

 "Hi, It has been such a long time," You said hugging your best friend whom you're meeting after almost two years. 

You guys have always been in touch via text and call but your busy schedules and the current situation has kept you apart for so long. 

"Ahhh, my monkey. Now that I can chew your brain face to face, I feel alive. Life's so boring without you."

You guys laughed and headed inside the restaurant. She's pursuing her master's and you've got a full-time job. 

Both of your schedules are so jam-packed that seeing each other has become almost impossible. But, that hasn't created any difference between you. You're still the same. 

"So, how's everything going?" You asked. 

"Hahahaha! As if you already don't know" She replied. 

"I know, but I cannot believe I'm seeing you after almost two years. Remember during college? We used to hang out every other day even though our colleges were separate" You said. 

"Yeah, we were a happy mess back then" She replied with a sigh. 

"Aren't you happy now?" You asked, taken aback.

"Are you?" She asked you back with a grin. 

"Ahh well, according to people's opinion I earn a decent living, I'm independent and I've friends so I don't have any pain in life. My life is perfect. Happy as ever" You replied. 

"You can pretend in front of the whole world you asshole, but you cannot pretend in front of me. And pain? You don't have pain? I've seen you through everything. The act you put on with that sweet smile can steal millions of hearts but they cannot handle the rawness inside your heart". She replied almost teary-eyed.

"You've not only seen me but you've been with me through everything. You've seen me in days when staying alive wasn't an option for me anymore but you pulled me through it. Bro, you kinda saved my life. And I know you're not happy. Even though this is your dream, you're still not happy. We've been together forever and we've seen each other through everything. " You said

"People also say me that I'm pursuing my masters now, I've rich parents and next I'll pursue P.hd. My life is sorted. I'm the happiest girl in the world. I mean yes I'm lucky and blessed but does that also mean I'm happy? I mean just because my parents work hard and I'm pursuing higher studies means I cannot have any pain in life" She said. 

"People! People are entitled to have an opinion. I know everyone out there is struggling with their own problems but that doesn't give them the right to totally disregard the problem of other people. If you can't respect another individual's feelings, keep your damn mouth shut. Don't disrespect like that. Only if they've seen you like I did and only if they understood what you went through. You're such an inspiration girl and I'm not saying this because you're my best friend. But, I'm saying this because I mean it. " You said with a mellow smile. 

"I can say the same thing to you. I still remember that day when you called me and was like everything is over. I swear babe, I was scared for my life. I thought you'll do something stupid but you're way stronger than that and I'm so proud of you asshole. You're one heck of a strong woman. See the person you've become today. Be proud of yourself" She said. 

"Well, then you should be proud of yourself too and yes I like the way I've turned out to be. I'm still working on myself. But, there are times when I feel too empty, lonely, and heavy at the same time. There's this pain that doesn't go away and makes me feel so many things yet I feel nothing. So many thoughts swarm across my head but again I cannot think anything. I don't know how's that possible. Umm, to put it into short my heart feels heavy, my head feels empty. I don't know how to describe this feeling. " You explained taking a sip of your wine. 

"Hmm, I understand. Given your personality, you don't even open up to anyone or share how you're feeling with anybody else so you just keep it to yourself and feel even more down. I'm sorry I've not been there as much as I should have. I'm really sorry" She said, a tear rolled down from her cheeks. 

"Aye, don't be sorry. I couldn't be there for you as well. We were busy and judging how much of a nerd you've become with all these syllabus and books, I wouldn't have bothered you either like you didn't tell me you weren't happy." You said smiling. 

"Classic you! You'll never change. Well, I feel empty too and I cannot trust people. In fact, the amount of times we've been backstabbed, it's better for us not to trust people. I just have you and am glad for that. Please promise to reach out to me whenever you feel down" 

"I will only if you promise to do the same". You being the classic you cracked a deal. 

"Deal" she replied

"When did we grow up so much and why did we get so lost? This wasn't our plan. Our 20s weren't supposed to be like this" She asked you. 

"Hmm, aren't we all lost and broken?" You said. 

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Characters, businesses, events, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual events are purely coincidental.

The Feeling Of Falling 💖

 "Hey Monkey" You heard him call out your name from a distance.

"You idiot, you're late again" You yelled at your best friend.

Both of you have been best friends since kindergarten and you have basically spent your entire lives together. But, there's something about him that you find different these days.

Maybe, you started seeing him in a different light, maybe he is becoming more than just a best friend to you!

Well, he liked you since you were a kid and he was very clear about it. Now, you are having the same feelings about him too, but you got worried.

You hung out all the time and both of you were very clear of your hearts. But, there's something that kept stopping you!

"Well, what's the problem? I mean you guys are together for your entire lives. He has liked you since forever and now you like him back too. Isn't that a good thing? " Your sister asked.

"No! It isn't. I'm just too scarred and scared to fall in love and I'm afraid I'll hurt him. His smile will fade away if he sees me like that again" You replied with a sigh!

"What makes you think so? Isn't this worth taking a risk?"

"No sis, not again! I'm just too broken"

"Can he not fix you?"

"He practically saved my life and was there for me throughout everything. Nobody but I can fix myself and I'm afraid it'd take a long time"

"What's so wrong about falling in love? It's a beautiful feeling!"

"Yes, it is beautiful. The feeling of falling is beautiful. You know it's okay when you're just falling, it's okay when the other one is falling too. The moment your love is reciprocated is when things start to go wrong. You build up expectations, even though you say you won't. It just comes naturally. We cannot do anything about it. They don't live up to your expectations, you don't live up to their expectations, your wounds become fresh and you start bleeding again. It will destroy you over and over again if you don't fix yourself" you replied.

"Hmm, what now?!"

"Nothing. Things will go like the way they are"

"So, you're going to bottle up your feelings again?"

"Um, yes, pretty much, and keep being the best friend that I'm"

"It won't hurt you?"

"No, it won't. Rather, it makes me happy. Just being with him makes me happy and I've absolutely no regrets" you said with a big, happy grin, but the pain was invincible in your eyes, in your smile.

"Well, it's your life, but what if he moves on?" Your sister asked, rather concerned.

"I'm hoping he would. He's the best and he deserves to be loved by someone who can give him the world and that isn't me"

Your phone beeped right at that moment!

He texted you

"I'm downstairs. Open up. I got beer and chicken"

You smiled and ran downstairs. Nothing beats the combination of beer and chicken. It's your favorite.

"Why the sudden appearance, idiot?" You asked him.

"I was missing you and I wanted to sit under the sky with you," he said looking straight into your eyes.

You just stood there and smiled. This feeling that you were feeling confused you on how to react.

"What? I didn't ask you to say it back. Now, will you please help me with these bags? Stop being such a princess. Do some work you lazy ass" he screamed being the smug he is.

You hurriedly took the bags and climbed up the stairs to your terrace.

This was your happy place. Well, to be honest, this was your comfort place. Whenever things got crazy, you came up here with him, sat on the edge, sipped on a bottle of beer, and feasted on some chicken.

Today was the same. You sat there with him, let the cool breeze brush through the strands of your hair, and the music fades away in the background. With the bottle of beer in your hand, you caught a glimpse of his face in the moonlight and felt a sense of peace. You thought "Well, I love him" to yourself and he caught you staring.

You looked away and smiled.

"So, this is how it goes?" He asked.

"Maybe," you replied with your legs dangling on the edge and smiling.

You don't know what the future holds for you, but all you know that this very moment is all the happiness and peace you could ask for.

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Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Characters, businesses, events, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual events are purely coincidental.

Dear Anxiety!

 Hey! We meet again. It has been a while, right? My hands started shivering, I felt numb, I started sweating and my heart started racing. It became so hard to breathe. It was so painful. You know I cried today and I don't even know the reason why. I didn't want to cry. I cried after a while. Everything stopped and became blurry for some time. 

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Ahh well! I thought I was doing fine, I thought I was thriving. Honestly, I was! Everything seemed ok and out of nowhere, you came today. Why? What was the reason for giving me this pain? Lol, it's foolish of me to even ask this now. If there was an answer to this then I guess I would have found out long ago. You know I can live without you. I can live happily without you and I would prefer that. But now that you're a part of me, I cannot help but accept you and fight with you for the peace of my mind. It started back in school right? When I was in kindergarten and I cried because my colour crossed the black border of that doll on the artbook? Or did it start when I came 5th and cried because I didn't top? Or was it when I was nervous at my viva exams? This just became a thing. Little did little me know back then that this particular feeling will stay with me forever and this is what we call anxiety. Little did teen me know that her nervousness for the maths exam was way more than just nervousness. Little did she know that she would also become a victim of depression. Little did she know that the cocktail of anxiety and depression is not great. She fell victim to all these without having any knowledge of what was happening. Nobody told me what to do, nobody guided me, nobody saw the real thing behind the facade that I wore. I mastered the art of fake smiling at a young age and everyone assumed I'm a very happy little girl. Well, the sleeves of my school uniform covered multiple scars. Scars of me punishing myself, scars of me trying to get some relief from the mental pain, scars of feeling satisfied to see the blood ooze out. Behind that smile hid numerous attempts when she decided to end her life and when she started living on sleeping pills. But, nothing killed me. 

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You tried so hard. You tried so bad to kill me, end me, finish me, drain me. Well, you kinda drained me and I got exhausted with the fight. I gave up almost until one fine day I lost everything a person could lose. I lost the only dream I had left, I lost all my hopes of life. That was the day you snatched away a lot but that was also the day when Airene became fearless. She was no longer the scared little girl. Do you know why? Because she has nothing more to lose now. When a woman has nothing left to lose, she becomes fearless and a fearless woman can overcome anything and everything. So, try hard, stay with me and watch me fight you like a queen. I'm alone but I'm not afraid. I'm independent, fearless and someone who doesn't deserve this pain. I am like a phoenix who only rises stronger from her ashes. 

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Anxiety, you are not likely to part ways with me and so I accept you as a part of me. But, I won't let you win. This time, it's me who's in charge and even though you can trigger the worst of my emotions, making it painful for me to breathe or do anything, I'll pause and let it sway over to the other end. I'll pause and take a break. But I won't let you win. This is my life and I'm in control. If I've come so far, overcoming so much then I can do it for the rest of my life too. 

                                                                ~Airene