Hello Again 👋

Hey Readers,

It's been a long time since I have been here talking about life or just anything at all. I doubt anyone is reading this right now but if you somehow accidentally stumbled across my post, hi, I am Airene and if you are a tiny bit interested in knowing anything about me, all you have to do is go through this blog and that might give you an idea. 

So, I figured I'd just download the blogger's app and start writing anything and everything on the go so expect more such random posts from me. 

As for me and my life, I doubt there's much to share. My life has been quite boring lately although I am not exactly complaining.  After all the storms and challenges in the last few years, I'm relieved to have some boredom, says the girl who once hated being bored. 

All I would say now is "Everything happens for a reason" 

Stay tuned if you want to know more stories about a stranger on the Internet.  I promise it's not all dull and depressing, it gets fun and interesting too. 😉

Love,

A❤️🥂

It's Been A While!

 It has been a while, you guys. I have been thinking about this blog a lot lately. I kept thinking about why I started this blog and what I wanted to convey. I also kept wondering about various ways to grow this blog.💓

However, I kept coming across a saying recently that goes something along the lines "I blog for young girls who wants to feel seen and heard". Unfortunately, I did not save the whole thing and I cannot find the exact lines. 

This kept me awake for a few nights. I started this blog to write my heart out and share the most vulnerable sides of me, the sides that make me question life, the sides that nobody has seen.  I never started this blog with the intention to grow. 

While growing up, I did not have anybody to look up to or any adult to have a conversation with whom they will understand my perspective. I want to become that adult for you. Even if this reaches one of you and if you are struggling with life, know that I am here to hear you out. 

I won't judge you based on your age or problems. It might seem something tiny to someone older than you but if it's bothering you so much, then I am sure it is a huge problem. 

I have friends who are younger than me and they often reach out to me with questions or advice or just to have a general discussion. I want to create that safe space for the beautiful, young people out there. You can say whatever you want here. I will listen. You know why?

Because I wanted someone to listen to me too. I wanted someone to be there beside me while I was struggling without judging or lecturing me on how others have it worse. 

I am no professional and I am not a perfect human being. I won't give you therapy sessions but I want to be a friend. A friend you can trust, you can confide in. 

Am I the happiest person now? Hell No! I am far away from being happy. I just know how to deal with these feelings and how to not let them get to me. 

Also, I cling on to hope for dear life. No matter what, I do not give up hope, ever! That's what I wanted to say to ya'll. 

I will try my best to post frequently on this blog. Meanwhile, if you have any questions or if you want me to write on any particular topic, leave them in the comments. 

Just in case, you want to share something without revealing your identity, something that's bothering you a lot, use this form 💜

Life Happens! Shit Happens! We Live On! 💖

The more I speak, write and read about mental health, the more I realize how stigmatized it still is. The taboo around mental health is real. Many people still have no clue how serious it can be. The insensitive comments they make towards the mental health posts and issues can affect many people and everyone has their own struggles. 

I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety in my teenage years! 

Things got worse when my grades started dropping. I was a good student and this dip in grades was something I couldn't accept.

I became an average student (neither good at academics nor at co-curricular activities). 

The only escape I had was writing!

I started hating myself and wish I was dead. I tried attempting suicide numerous times (this is the first time I am saying this out loud). I was desperate. 

Then I got into a relationship and became emotionally dependent on that relationship. But, that relationship could not make me love myself. It made things worse. I hated every aspect of being alive. I hated the way I looked, the way I talked and how I was failing at everything. 

Soon, we grew up, became adults, and started living our own lives. Well, my life still revolved around that relationship.

My life revolved around my partner and I didn't have any individuality or space. I didn't realize how toxic it got. That was my only purpose of living (or so I thought). I fought with everyone for him. My friends turned against me, the people I thought to be my closest betrayed me. 

I thought "it doesn't matter, as long as he loves me, I'll live" Do you know what's the biggest irony of life?

I got cheated on by him after dating for almost a decade! Ha-ha! Cheating is a deal-breaker for me in any relationship! 

When I care for someone, I'll go to extreme heights for that person but once you betray me, I'll not look back at you ever again! 

I walked out of that relationship (turns out he already walked out of it before, I just ended it officially). That was the best decision of my life. 

I thought I'll die without him. You know what he said, when I asked him why he did this?

He said "I thought you'd kill yourself so I couldn't tell you anything". 

I answered "No matter what I do, I won't kill myself for you" . I still wanted to be in touch with him because whom am I kidding? I loved him but at that moment I chose me. 

For the first time, I chose myself and never looked back. 

I became numb, I felt nothing that day. The trauma hit me so hard that I didn't know how to react. 

The only people that stood by me during those days were my parents and my best friends. 

I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have them. 

I started having serious episodes again and he would text me out of nowhere to blame me and say how I destroyed his life. 

Yes, I made mistakes too. I always say that I'm a great friend but a terrible girlfriend! I am too clingy and love being with my partner. Maybe that'll change with time. 

For the time being, I'm not ready to go for any commitment. Or maybe I did not find the right person yet, time will tell! One thing that I pride on is my loyalty. I stayed loyal till the end and I'd always stay loyal to near and dear ones. 

I thought my adventures ended here. Oh how wrong was I! The breakup broke me, traumatized me, destroyed my mental health. But, this was just the beginning! 

I used to act numb and cold. It took me a while but eventually I got better. 

What stayed was my depression, my anxiety! I tried seeking help but the therapist I consulted online advised me "move on, there's nothing you could do about it." 

I never sought any professional help after that. I had my friends and they're the best things that happened to me ever. 

Two years later, on December 2021, I got diagnosed with brain tumor! I was finally at a turning point in my career. 

Everything just fell apart in a jiffy. I had to go for surgery and now I'm on a break. 

With this, my depression became much more brutal. I cannot even begin to say how helpless I feel. I am not used to living like this. 

This is just an example of what I went through or what I'm going through. 

Yes I know I'm privileged. But that doesn't mean I don't feel pain. If you never suffered from any mental health illness, I pray you never have to but that doesn't give you the liberty to discard what other people's feelings.

It's highly insensitive to compare your pain with others. It's completely okay to grieve and it's normal to feel how you're feeling. 

Don't say things like "you're privileged", "people have it worse", "it's all in your mind", etc. 

Mental health issues are very much real and they can destroy us. The person sitting next to you in the bus might be having an anxiety attack and you'll be completely oblivious to it. 

My depression gave me insomnia, health issues and a ton of other problems as gifts. 

I've had people tell me the most insensitive things and say how lucky I'm. 

Bro, I might be the richest girl in the universe and still suffer from depression.

We all have pain and we all have the right to grieve. No one's walking in our shoes and no one will understand the pain we are going through. If we can't compare the good things, why compare the pain? It's difficult and it's different for every people out there. 

Let them grieve in peace. That's how they heal and that's how they learn. Instead of saying things like forget, move on, try being by their sides, try being a good listener and try helping them recover.

People going through this are not looking for advice but are looking for a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold and seeking the familiar warmth which they no longer will be able to get. Try feeling the gap, try making them feel less lonely. If you cannot do this, do nothing. Just walk away.

Image Credits: Pexels/Pixabay

Dear Anxiety!

 Hey! We meet again. It has been a while, right? My hands started shivering, I felt numb, I started sweating and my heart started racing. It became so hard to breathe. It was so painful. You know I cried today and I don't even know the reason why. I didn't want to cry. I cried after a while. Everything stopped and became blurry for some time. 

Image source: Pinterest

Ahh well! I thought I was doing fine, I thought I was thriving. Honestly, I was! Everything seemed ok and out of nowhere, you came today. Why? What was the reason for giving me this pain? Lol, it's foolish of me to even ask this now. If there was an answer to this then I guess I would have found out long ago. You know I can live without you. I can live happily without you and I would prefer that. But now that you're a part of me, I cannot help but accept you and fight with you for the peace of my mind. It started back in school right? When I was in kindergarten and I cried because my colour crossed the black border of that doll on the artbook? Or did it start when I came 5th and cried because I didn't top? Or was it when I was nervous at my viva exams? This just became a thing. Little did little me know back then that this particular feeling will stay with me forever and this is what we call anxiety. Little did teen me know that her nervousness for the maths exam was way more than just nervousness. Little did she know that she would also become a victim of depression. Little did she know that the cocktail of anxiety and depression is not great. She fell victim to all these without having any knowledge of what was happening. Nobody told me what to do, nobody guided me, nobody saw the real thing behind the facade that I wore. I mastered the art of fake smiling at a young age and everyone assumed I'm a very happy little girl. Well, the sleeves of my school uniform covered multiple scars. Scars of me punishing myself, scars of me trying to get some relief from the mental pain, scars of feeling satisfied to see the blood ooze out. Behind that smile hid numerous attempts when she decided to end her life and when she started living on sleeping pills. But, nothing killed me. 

Image source: Pinterest

You tried so hard. You tried so bad to kill me, end me, finish me, drain me. Well, you kinda drained me and I got exhausted with the fight. I gave up almost until one fine day I lost everything a person could lose. I lost the only dream I had left, I lost all my hopes of life. That was the day you snatched away a lot but that was also the day when Airene became fearless. She was no longer the scared little girl. Do you know why? Because she has nothing more to lose now. When a woman has nothing left to lose, she becomes fearless and a fearless woman can overcome anything and everything. So, try hard, stay with me and watch me fight you like a queen. I'm alone but I'm not afraid. I'm independent, fearless and someone who doesn't deserve this pain. I am like a phoenix who only rises stronger from her ashes. 

Image Source: Pinterest

Anxiety, you are not likely to part ways with me and so I accept you as a part of me. But, I won't let you win. This time, it's me who's in charge and even though you can trigger the worst of my emotions, making it painful for me to breathe or do anything, I'll pause and let it sway over to the other end. I'll pause and take a break. But I won't let you win. This is my life and I'm in control. If I've come so far, overcoming so much then I can do it for the rest of my life too. 

                                                                ~Airene

                                         

                               

2020: It's a wrap!

Hey everyone, how are you all doing? It's New Year’s Eve. 2020 has finally come to an end now. Woah! What a crazy year it has been. From forest fires to the deadly pandemic to a destructive cyclone- we have seen it all this year. We have also lost a lot of people this year- from loved ones to legends. It has not been an easy year at all. So, I wanted to publish a post to bid adieu to 2020 and wrap things up. My last post was about self-healing and hope. Things might get a little awry in this one so please bear with me and remember at the end of everything, there's still hope. ❤

 

Well, personally for me 2020 did not begin on a great note. I had to go through something that was very draining emotionally. I would not get over it ever. But, the show must go on and I could not give up on life. So, I continued to push myself and live. What I taught was living was barely surviving. I kept on working and working to distract myself. I did not sleep at all. All I did was work. I barely ate anything. I did not take care of myself. I overworked to the point that it drained me. Then I lost a family member who was very special to me. I did not speak about it, and I would like not too, since words cannot express what I felt. 

Life came to a standstill. I used work as an excuse to distract myself everything that was happening. Things got overwhelming. So, at the end of October, I decided it was too much and I need to slow down. I need to face my feelings, my emotions and stop running away from it. So, I took a break from everything and started facing a bunch of emotions that were being piled on. It was a lot. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. It became hard for me to breathe. I lost interest in everything. I stopped talking to everyone and went on a hiatus. My health started deteriorating, my mental health went haywire and I had a major burnout. I am still sick but I am glad I had that burnout. It is still not easy but I am doing much better. 

One good thing that happened is that I became extremely comfortable being by myself and doing things alone. It also helped me get rid of a lot of toxicity and negativity. Although, I am not at my absolute best I want to start the New Year on a good note. So, I pulled myself out of bed, got a little dressed up, brushed my hair, cleansed and moisturized my face, applied some tint and turned on my computer. I know it's TMI but for people like us, even the little chores like these can take a lot of efforts. Therefore, let's not lose hope and bid adieu to 2020 like the true warriors we are. 

This was not our year

We lost people near and dear,

Yet we fought and won like warriors

So, hold on to your hopes and tighten your gears

Here's wishing everyone a very

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Adios 2020! 💓

Set Of A New Dawn!

Hey everyone! Umm, I don't know how to start, but it has been a long time. It has been months since I last wrote. Let alone write; I almost disappeared from the blogging world. A lot has changed in these few months. I think I gave the same intro in my last post as well. But, this time, the changes were catastrophic. I, never in my life imagined I could go through something like this. Well, to be precise, my life turned upside down this year. It changed overnight. If you know me or follow me on social media, then you definitely know I got a job this year. Yes, I'm super grateful for that, and that is a good change.

You must be wondering if everything is okay, then what do I mean by "catastrophic changes."? Well, if you know me somehow, then you also know I had a long-term relationship with a very special person. He was a part of my life for eleven years. Okay, how do I say this? We broke up. Yes, we are not together anymore. No, I don't have any hard feelings for him, and I wish him all the very best in his life. However, the whole breakup experience was quite traumatic for me. I never imagined it would happen, but the universe had other plans, and it happened.

Nevertheless, I have some wonderful people in my life who held my hand and helped me through this whole process. I may sound like a whining teenager to you but trust me it's hard. I am 22, and I had my entire life figured out, and then everything came crashing down, which shattered my heart.

Some of you might also want to know how am I now? I am trying to put my broken pieces together and just live my life. I don't want to think about the past or future. I want to feel each moment I am living because you never know if you'd get the chance to experience it again. The two things I am trying to learn are self-love and prioritising myself over anyone else. I can proudly say now "I choose to make myself happy, and I won't feel guilty about it."

So, that was it. The major life update I had to give, or you can say I'm giving myself a closure with this post. I don't have any idea what I wrote and if anything made any sense at all. What am I hoping for now?

Well,

Walking through the lawn,

 Looked back at the life I've drawn,

I smiled, a little withdrawn

Walked ahead towards the 

Set Of a New Dawn!