Just Another Meltdown In The Shower! 🙂

I stood there like a mess, tears dropping from my eyes, water droplets running through my tresses. 

I started wondering why can't I keep myself in check, why can't I control these flowing tears, I wanted to stop but I couldn't. 

I was out of breathe, I wanted to scream, I wanted someone to hold me while I was losing myself and hug me saying "it's okay" 

I was searching for someone to calm me down but there was no one. Maybe a warm touch would have made me feel better, maybe a palm on my head would have comforted me. 

But there was no one. I kept crying while standing and sitting in the shower, I kept struggling to breathe. At that very moment, I wanted to scream and tell the world that I'm tired, I'm too tired of fighting. I'm tired of everything. 

For once, I want someone to listen to me, to care for me and to be genuinely there. 

But, nobody would understand right? They'll invalidate what I feel by saying "don't get depressed" and "others got it worse" or they'll probably not even listen. 

How can I say that I did not choose to feel this way? I hate feeling this way. My broken heart is further breaking into pieces and I don't know how to express myself. 

If I don't put this out, I'm probably going to pass out from feeling so overwhelmed. I need to get this off. 

I'm being too much right? Overreacting maybe? Maybe I'm. 

People will come with their opinions but when you need them the most, you'll have no one. 

Just another day huh? Just another meltdown in the shower. 

P:C- Pinterest

Life goes on. 🙂

                                               ~Airene

Life Happens! Shit Happens! We Live On! 💖

The more I speak, write and read about mental health, the more I realize how stigmatized it still is. The taboo around mental health is real. Many people still have no clue how serious it can be. The insensitive comments they make towards the mental health posts and issues can affect many people and everyone has their own struggles. 

I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety in my teenage years! 

Things got worse when my grades started dropping. I was a good student and this dip in grades was something I couldn't accept.

I became an average student (neither good at academics nor at co-curricular activities). 

The only escape I had was writing!

I started hating myself and wish I was dead. I tried attempting suicide numerous times (this is the first time I am saying this out loud). I was desperate. 

Then I got into a relationship and became emotionally dependent on that relationship. But, that relationship could not make me love myself. It made things worse. I hated every aspect of being alive. I hated the way I looked, the way I talked and how I was failing at everything. 

Soon, we grew up, became adults, and started living our own lives. Well, my life still revolved around that relationship.

My life revolved around my partner and I didn't have any individuality or space. I didn't realize how toxic it got. That was my only purpose of living (or so I thought). I fought with everyone for him. My friends turned against me, the people I thought to be my closest betrayed me. 

I thought "it doesn't matter, as long as he loves me, I'll live" Do you know what's the biggest irony of life?

I got cheated on by him after dating for almost a decade! Ha-ha! Cheating is a deal-breaker for me in any relationship! 

When I care for someone, I'll go to extreme heights for that person but once you betray me, I'll not look back at you ever again! 

I walked out of that relationship (turns out he already walked out of it before, I just ended it officially). That was the best decision of my life. 

I thought I'll die without him. You know what he said, when I asked him why he did this?

He said "I thought you'd kill yourself so I couldn't tell you anything". 

I answered "No matter what I do, I won't kill myself for you" . I still wanted to be in touch with him because whom am I kidding? I loved him but at that moment I chose me. 

For the first time, I chose myself and never looked back. 

I became numb, I felt nothing that day. The trauma hit me so hard that I didn't know how to react. 

The only people that stood by me during those days were my parents and my best friends. 

I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have them. 

I started having serious episodes again and he would text me out of nowhere to blame me and say how I destroyed his life. 

Yes, I made mistakes too. I always say that I'm a great friend but a terrible girlfriend! I am too clingy and love being with my partner. Maybe that'll change with time. 

For the time being, I'm not ready to go for any commitment. Or maybe I did not find the right person yet, time will tell! One thing that I pride on is my loyalty. I stayed loyal till the end and I'd always stay loyal to near and dear ones. 

I thought my adventures ended here. Oh how wrong was I! The breakup broke me, traumatized me, destroyed my mental health. But, this was just the beginning! 

I used to act numb and cold. It took me a while but eventually I got better. 

What stayed was my depression, my anxiety! I tried seeking help but the therapist I consulted online advised me "move on, there's nothing you could do about it." 

I never sought any professional help after that. I had my friends and they're the best things that happened to me ever. 

Two years later, on December 2021, I got diagnosed with brain tumor! I was finally at a turning point in my career. 

Everything just fell apart in a jiffy. I had to go for surgery and now I'm on a break. 

With this, my depression became much more brutal. I cannot even begin to say how helpless I feel. I am not used to living like this. 

This is just an example of what I went through or what I'm going through. 

Yes I know I'm privileged. But that doesn't mean I don't feel pain. If you never suffered from any mental health illness, I pray you never have to but that doesn't give you the liberty to discard what other people's feelings.

It's highly insensitive to compare your pain with others. It's completely okay to grieve and it's normal to feel how you're feeling. 

Don't say things like "you're privileged", "people have it worse", "it's all in your mind", etc. 

Mental health issues are very much real and they can destroy us. The person sitting next to you in the bus might be having an anxiety attack and you'll be completely oblivious to it. 

My depression gave me insomnia, health issues and a ton of other problems as gifts. 

I've had people tell me the most insensitive things and say how lucky I'm. 

Bro, I might be the richest girl in the universe and still suffer from depression.

We all have pain and we all have the right to grieve. No one's walking in our shoes and no one will understand the pain we are going through. If we can't compare the good things, why compare the pain? It's difficult and it's different for every people out there. 

Let them grieve in peace. That's how they heal and that's how they learn. Instead of saying things like forget, move on, try being by their sides, try being a good listener and try helping them recover.

People going through this are not looking for advice but are looking for a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold and seeking the familiar warmth which they no longer will be able to get. Try feeling the gap, try making them feel less lonely. If you cannot do this, do nothing. Just walk away.

Image Credits: Pexels/Pixabay

The Lost Journey ❤️

 "Hi, It has been such a long time," You said hugging your best friend whom you're meeting after almost two years. 

You guys have always been in touch via text and call but your busy schedules and the current situation has kept you apart for so long. 

"Ahhh, my monkey. Now that I can chew your brain face to face, I feel alive. Life's so boring without you."

You guys laughed and headed inside the restaurant. She's pursuing her master's and you've got a full-time job. 

Both of your schedules are so jam-packed that seeing each other has become almost impossible. But, that hasn't created any difference between you. You're still the same. 

"So, how's everything going?" You asked. 

"Hahahaha! As if you already don't know" She replied. 

"I know, but I cannot believe I'm seeing you after almost two years. Remember during college? We used to hang out every other day even though our colleges were separate" You said. 

"Yeah, we were a happy mess back then" She replied with a sigh. 

"Aren't you happy now?" You asked, taken aback.

"Are you?" She asked you back with a grin. 

"Ahh well, according to people's opinion I earn a decent living, I'm independent and I've friends so I don't have any pain in life. My life is perfect. Happy as ever" You replied. 

"You can pretend in front of the whole world you asshole, but you cannot pretend in front of me. And pain? You don't have pain? I've seen you through everything. The act you put on with that sweet smile can steal millions of hearts but they cannot handle the rawness inside your heart". She replied almost teary-eyed.

"You've not only seen me but you've been with me through everything. You've seen me in days when staying alive wasn't an option for me anymore but you pulled me through it. Bro, you kinda saved my life. And I know you're not happy. Even though this is your dream, you're still not happy. We've been together forever and we've seen each other through everything. " You said

"People also say me that I'm pursuing my masters now, I've rich parents and next I'll pursue P.hd. My life is sorted. I'm the happiest girl in the world. I mean yes I'm lucky and blessed but does that also mean I'm happy? I mean just because my parents work hard and I'm pursuing higher studies means I cannot have any pain in life" She said. 

"People! People are entitled to have an opinion. I know everyone out there is struggling with their own problems but that doesn't give them the right to totally disregard the problem of other people. If you can't respect another individual's feelings, keep your damn mouth shut. Don't disrespect like that. Only if they've seen you like I did and only if they understood what you went through. You're such an inspiration girl and I'm not saying this because you're my best friend. But, I'm saying this because I mean it. " You said with a mellow smile. 

"I can say the same thing to you. I still remember that day when you called me and was like everything is over. I swear babe, I was scared for my life. I thought you'll do something stupid but you're way stronger than that and I'm so proud of you asshole. You're one heck of a strong woman. See the person you've become today. Be proud of yourself" She said. 

"Well, then you should be proud of yourself too and yes I like the way I've turned out to be. I'm still working on myself. But, there are times when I feel too empty, lonely, and heavy at the same time. There's this pain that doesn't go away and makes me feel so many things yet I feel nothing. So many thoughts swarm across my head but again I cannot think anything. I don't know how's that possible. Umm, to put it into short my heart feels heavy, my head feels empty. I don't know how to describe this feeling. " You explained taking a sip of your wine. 

"Hmm, I understand. Given your personality, you don't even open up to anyone or share how you're feeling with anybody else so you just keep it to yourself and feel even more down. I'm sorry I've not been there as much as I should have. I'm really sorry" She said, a tear rolled down from her cheeks. 

"Aye, don't be sorry. I couldn't be there for you as well. We were busy and judging how much of a nerd you've become with all these syllabus and books, I wouldn't have bothered you either like you didn't tell me you weren't happy." You said smiling. 

"Classic you! You'll never change. Well, I feel empty too and I cannot trust people. In fact, the amount of times we've been backstabbed, it's better for us not to trust people. I just have you and am glad for that. Please promise to reach out to me whenever you feel down" 

"I will only if you promise to do the same". You being the classic you cracked a deal. 

"Deal" she replied

"When did we grow up so much and why did we get so lost? This wasn't our plan. Our 20s weren't supposed to be like this" She asked you. 

"Hmm, aren't we all lost and broken?" You said. 

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Characters, businesses, events, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual events are purely coincidental.

2020: It's a wrap!

Hey everyone, how are you all doing? It's New Year’s Eve. 2020 has finally come to an end now. Woah! What a crazy year it has been. From forest fires to the deadly pandemic to a destructive cyclone- we have seen it all this year. We have also lost a lot of people this year- from loved ones to legends. It has not been an easy year at all. So, I wanted to publish a post to bid adieu to 2020 and wrap things up. My last post was about self-healing and hope. Things might get a little awry in this one so please bear with me and remember at the end of everything, there's still hope. ❤

 

Well, personally for me 2020 did not begin on a great note. I had to go through something that was very draining emotionally. I would not get over it ever. But, the show must go on and I could not give up on life. So, I continued to push myself and live. What I taught was living was barely surviving. I kept on working and working to distract myself. I did not sleep at all. All I did was work. I barely ate anything. I did not take care of myself. I overworked to the point that it drained me. Then I lost a family member who was very special to me. I did not speak about it, and I would like not too, since words cannot express what I felt. 

Life came to a standstill. I used work as an excuse to distract myself everything that was happening. Things got overwhelming. So, at the end of October, I decided it was too much and I need to slow down. I need to face my feelings, my emotions and stop running away from it. So, I took a break from everything and started facing a bunch of emotions that were being piled on. It was a lot. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. It became hard for me to breathe. I lost interest in everything. I stopped talking to everyone and went on a hiatus. My health started deteriorating, my mental health went haywire and I had a major burnout. I am still sick but I am glad I had that burnout. It is still not easy but I am doing much better. 

One good thing that happened is that I became extremely comfortable being by myself and doing things alone. It also helped me get rid of a lot of toxicity and negativity. Although, I am not at my absolute best I want to start the New Year on a good note. So, I pulled myself out of bed, got a little dressed up, brushed my hair, cleansed and moisturized my face, applied some tint and turned on my computer. I know it's TMI but for people like us, even the little chores like these can take a lot of efforts. Therefore, let's not lose hope and bid adieu to 2020 like the true warriors we are. 

This was not our year

We lost people near and dear,

Yet we fought and won like warriors

So, hold on to your hopes and tighten your gears

Here's wishing everyone a very

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Adios 2020! 💓

My beautiful brother! 😢

Hey everyone, it's been a long, long time again. A lot has changed in the last few months. You might think what made me write again? Well, recently I lost my very dear pet cat whom I loved and cared like my little brother. Ever since life has been super hard for me. I could not sleep, eat, or do anything.  So, I thought the perfect goodbye is to write him an open letter that would stay on the internet forever.

Dear Gogo,
           

               It was exactly 4:00 am when we heard a kitten meowing out of nowhere. We thought one of our existing kittens was playing so we went back to sleep. But, the meowing continued to get louder. At this point, we were a little worried. Dad woke up and opened the door only to find a little frightened kitten pacing around. The moment we saw you, we fell in love with you and took you in our arms. I embraced you as an early birthday gift since you graced our lives fifteen days before my 21st birthday. We officially welcomed you in our lives on 13th July 2018, 4:30 am IST. My mom named you Gogo.

 You filled our lives with so much joy and emotions. I took you as my baby brother and you became a part of me. You started growing into a naughty little cat. You ruffled everyone with your naughtiness but captured everyone's heart with cuteness. So, no one could ever be angry with you. The only person who annoyed you was me because I am your elder sister and I had every right to do so. I cuddled you so much in that you were fed up with me but I know you loved me equally. We had so much fun together. You became such an important part of my life that I had to begin my day by cuddling you. It was impossible for me to do anything without seeing you at least once. No matter where you went you would come back home.

 Everything was going great. I was so happy, everyone was happy until 10 months later on 8th June 2019 you went missing. You disappeared into thin air. There was no trace of you. You were nowhere to be found. Everyone searched for you crazily. I am typing this on 16th June 2019. It has been 8 days you haven't been home.

 We all are still searching for you. After you went, I fell apart. I lost my appetite, sleep and the will to do anything. Every time I would try to eat or go to sleep, your face would float in front of me. Remember those endless photo sessions and video shoots? Well, those are my hope now. I could see those innocent eyes looking at me. I start crying randomly throughout the day. Nights mean wet pillows. I would still stare outside waiting for you to come back. I see our other cats playing but you are not there. You are special, you are my baby brother. 

I promise I will pull myself up but I will keep waiting for you. If we don't meet in my lifetime, I will definitely meet you on the other side. I just want you to know that I love you. I love you so much I could not even imagine to put it into words. I miss you every second. Life is so tough without you. Stay safe and happy wherever you are. We will not stop waiting for you. You are a part of me that won't be replaced ever by anyone. I love you and I miss you. 

                                                                                                                           Your Annoying Sister,

                                                                                                                                    Airene!