It's Been A While!

 It has been a while, you guys. I have been thinking about this blog a lot lately. I kept thinking about why I started this blog and what I wanted to convey. I also kept wondering about various ways to grow this blog.💓

However, I kept coming across a saying recently that goes something along the lines "I blog for young girls who wants to feel seen and heard". Unfortunately, I did not save the whole thing and I cannot find the exact lines. 

This kept me awake for a few nights. I started this blog to write my heart out and share the most vulnerable sides of me, the sides that make me question life, the sides that nobody has seen.  I never started this blog with the intention to grow. 

While growing up, I did not have anybody to look up to or any adult to have a conversation with whom they will understand my perspective. I want to become that adult for you. Even if this reaches one of you and if you are struggling with life, know that I am here to hear you out. 

I won't judge you based on your age or problems. It might seem something tiny to someone older than you but if it's bothering you so much, then I am sure it is a huge problem. 

I have friends who are younger than me and they often reach out to me with questions or advice or just to have a general discussion. I want to create that safe space for the beautiful, young people out there. You can say whatever you want here. I will listen. You know why?

Because I wanted someone to listen to me too. I wanted someone to be there beside me while I was struggling without judging or lecturing me on how others have it worse. 

I am no professional and I am not a perfect human being. I won't give you therapy sessions but I want to be a friend. A friend you can trust, you can confide in. 

Am I the happiest person now? Hell No! I am far away from being happy. I just know how to deal with these feelings and how to not let them get to me. 

Also, I cling on to hope for dear life. No matter what, I do not give up hope, ever! That's what I wanted to say to ya'll. 

I will try my best to post frequently on this blog. Meanwhile, if you have any questions or if you want me to write on any particular topic, leave them in the comments. 

Just in case, you want to share something without revealing your identity, something that's bothering you a lot, use this form 💜

Just Another Meltdown In The Shower! 🙂

I stood there like a mess, tears dropping from my eyes, water droplets running through my tresses. 

I started wondering why can't I keep myself in check, why can't I control these flowing tears, I wanted to stop but I couldn't. 

I was out of breathe, I wanted to scream, I wanted someone to hold me while I was losing myself and hug me saying "it's okay" 

I was searching for someone to calm me down but there was no one. Maybe a warm touch would have made me feel better, maybe a palm on my head would have comforted me. 

But there was no one. I kept crying while standing and sitting in the shower, I kept struggling to breathe. At that very moment, I wanted to scream and tell the world that I'm tired, I'm too tired of fighting. I'm tired of everything. 

For once, I want someone to listen to me, to care for me and to be genuinely there. 

But, nobody would understand right? They'll invalidate what I feel by saying "don't get depressed" and "others got it worse" or they'll probably not even listen. 

How can I say that I did not choose to feel this way? I hate feeling this way. My broken heart is further breaking into pieces and I don't know how to express myself. 

If I don't put this out, I'm probably going to pass out from feeling so overwhelmed. I need to get this off. 

I'm being too much right? Overreacting maybe? Maybe I'm. 

People will come with their opinions but when you need them the most, you'll have no one. 

Just another day huh? Just another meltdown in the shower. 

P:C- Pinterest

Life goes on. 🙂

                                               ~Airene

Dear Anxiety!

 Hey! We meet again. It has been a while, right? My hands started shivering, I felt numb, I started sweating and my heart started racing. It became so hard to breathe. It was so painful. You know I cried today and I don't even know the reason why. I didn't want to cry. I cried after a while. Everything stopped and became blurry for some time. 

Image source: Pinterest

Ahh well! I thought I was doing fine, I thought I was thriving. Honestly, I was! Everything seemed ok and out of nowhere, you came today. Why? What was the reason for giving me this pain? Lol, it's foolish of me to even ask this now. If there was an answer to this then I guess I would have found out long ago. You know I can live without you. I can live happily without you and I would prefer that. But now that you're a part of me, I cannot help but accept you and fight with you for the peace of my mind. It started back in school right? When I was in kindergarten and I cried because my colour crossed the black border of that doll on the artbook? Or did it start when I came 5th and cried because I didn't top? Or was it when I was nervous at my viva exams? This just became a thing. Little did little me know back then that this particular feeling will stay with me forever and this is what we call anxiety. Little did teen me know that her nervousness for the maths exam was way more than just nervousness. Little did she know that she would also become a victim of depression. Little did she know that the cocktail of anxiety and depression is not great. She fell victim to all these without having any knowledge of what was happening. Nobody told me what to do, nobody guided me, nobody saw the real thing behind the facade that I wore. I mastered the art of fake smiling at a young age and everyone assumed I'm a very happy little girl. Well, the sleeves of my school uniform covered multiple scars. Scars of me punishing myself, scars of me trying to get some relief from the mental pain, scars of feeling satisfied to see the blood ooze out. Behind that smile hid numerous attempts when she decided to end her life and when she started living on sleeping pills. But, nothing killed me. 

Image source: Pinterest

You tried so hard. You tried so bad to kill me, end me, finish me, drain me. Well, you kinda drained me and I got exhausted with the fight. I gave up almost until one fine day I lost everything a person could lose. I lost the only dream I had left, I lost all my hopes of life. That was the day you snatched away a lot but that was also the day when Airene became fearless. She was no longer the scared little girl. Do you know why? Because she has nothing more to lose now. When a woman has nothing left to lose, she becomes fearless and a fearless woman can overcome anything and everything. So, try hard, stay with me and watch me fight you like a queen. I'm alone but I'm not afraid. I'm independent, fearless and someone who doesn't deserve this pain. I am like a phoenix who only rises stronger from her ashes. 

Image Source: Pinterest

Anxiety, you are not likely to part ways with me and so I accept you as a part of me. But, I won't let you win. This time, it's me who's in charge and even though you can trigger the worst of my emotions, making it painful for me to breathe or do anything, I'll pause and let it sway over to the other end. I'll pause and take a break. But I won't let you win. This is my life and I'm in control. If I've come so far, overcoming so much then I can do it for the rest of my life too. 

                                                                ~Airene

                                         

                               

A State Of Euphoria: Time To Heal!

 Hi everyone! What's up? How are you all doing? Welcome back to my little world. It has been more than a year since I wrote anything here. The last blog that I wrote was quite heavy and indicated a fresh start. That's what I have been doing since then. I took the time to work, heal myself, and find myself all over again. ❤

Well, obviously it was not unicorns and rainbows all the time. In fact, the majority of this phase was quite rough and patchy. The road was bumpy. It was very difficult but not impossible. After what it seems like more than a year, several bumpy rides, several happy moments later, I can proudly say that I am doing better than ever. Am I completely healed? No! Am I happy with myself? Yes, and I am constantly thriving to become a better version. Now, coming back to this post. Did you read the title? A state of "Euphoria'! Well, yes the name is inspired by one of my favorite songs "Euphoria" sang by Jungkook from BTS. ❤

This year has been crazy, right? It changed our lives most unexpectedly. I'll be lying if I say that the situation did not take a toll on me. It did, it drained the living hell out of my soul. Being stuck at home every day makes me feel sick and unproductive. I cannot get any work done if I am unmotivated. But, I constantly pushed myself to make the best of it. Some days I just kept lazing around and some days I went too harsh on myself. But, after struggling for months I'm at a point where I am doing better. I have never felt so much peace in my life before. I don't depend on others for being happy or expect anything from anyone. I have learned to love myself, prioritize myself, and be responsible for my own happiness. 💗

Happiness is a choice and I ain't giving that right to anyone. There was a time when I used to be extremely uncomfortable with myself. Now, I feel the most comfortable with myself. I like spending time with myself and caring for myself. Simple things like watching the sunrise/sunset, moon, the night sky, spending time with my cousins, cuddling with my cats, chatting with my friends, working, listening to music, etc make me happy. This year really gave me the time to reflect, contemplate, and make some major life decisions. I gave up something I didn't like doing and started investing myself in doing things I love. 💗💗

With all that being said, I also learned a few lessons this year. The first one is how important it is to be comfortable with ourselves, being independent, emotionally stable, and also you need to know how to control your emotions. Trust me guys, if you know how to love yourselves, care for yourselves, and pay  attentionto the little things, you need nobody to become happy. Be carefree, not careless, cherish the moment while preparing for a better future, don't be too harsh on yourselves, do something you love, don't give up on your dreams, keep fighting. Remember, you have got one life and you need to make the best of it. Do not think about surviving, live! Let us wrap this up in the classic Airene style:

Life's kinda blurry,
everything seems a little scary
but don't you worry,
cuz, they will send us the fairy
to help us heal and take the ferry

to a better prairie

where euphoria will dawn upon us and

Christmas will again be merry! 

Stay Safe, Stay Healthy! ❤

Disclaimer: All pictures are shot and edited by me. Kindly do not use it elsewhere! 

Set Of A New Dawn!

Hey everyone! Umm, I don't know how to start, but it has been a long time. It has been months since I last wrote. Let alone write; I almost disappeared from the blogging world. A lot has changed in these few months. I think I gave the same intro in my last post as well. But, this time, the changes were catastrophic. I, never in my life imagined I could go through something like this. Well, to be precise, my life turned upside down this year. It changed overnight. If you know me or follow me on social media, then you definitely know I got a job this year. Yes, I'm super grateful for that, and that is a good change.

You must be wondering if everything is okay, then what do I mean by "catastrophic changes."? Well, if you know me somehow, then you also know I had a long-term relationship with a very special person. He was a part of my life for eleven years. Okay, how do I say this? We broke up. Yes, we are not together anymore. No, I don't have any hard feelings for him, and I wish him all the very best in his life. However, the whole breakup experience was quite traumatic for me. I never imagined it would happen, but the universe had other plans, and it happened.

Nevertheless, I have some wonderful people in my life who held my hand and helped me through this whole process. I may sound like a whining teenager to you but trust me it's hard. I am 22, and I had my entire life figured out, and then everything came crashing down, which shattered my heart.

Some of you might also want to know how am I now? I am trying to put my broken pieces together and just live my life. I don't want to think about the past or future. I want to feel each moment I am living because you never know if you'd get the chance to experience it again. The two things I am trying to learn are self-love and prioritising myself over anyone else. I can proudly say now "I choose to make myself happy, and I won't feel guilty about it."

So, that was it. The major life update I had to give, or you can say I'm giving myself a closure with this post. I don't have any idea what I wrote and if anything made any sense at all. What am I hoping for now?

Well,

Walking through the lawn,

 Looked back at the life I've drawn,

I smiled, a little withdrawn

Walked ahead towards the 

Set Of a New Dawn!