Home is Where?

Hello there, 

It's me again. In an effort to make this blog look like a more personal archive, I plan on changing the name to something that sounds a bit more me, Idk! I've a few options in mind but it would take a while to choose. I'm so exhausted lately, I don't know why. Oh, it's the weekend and it has been quite an interesting week mentally for me. This Saturday in particular was nothing special, it was just chaotic and I don't like chaos. I was about to write something but I forgot what it was.  

Oh yes, I remember now. Home!! What is home to you? I mean how do you define home? Someone said to me when I was in high school "Home is where the heart is" and that has stuck with me forever.  I made home out of someone until another person said "Don't make home out of people cuz they leave". Well, that person was right. Everyone who gave me sane advice and taught me valuable lessons left or I left or maybe we just drifted apart. Well not everyone, but the majority. I will be forever indebted to them for these lessons. 

Anyways, like I was saying. Home! I have been in search of my home for the longest time. I mean don't get me wrong, I have a great family, a great house and great friends but, well, there's a but. 

But, I haven't felt at home for a long time. How even do you feel at home? What is that feeling exactly? 

Maybe, writing about my feelings so openly isn't a good idea and maybe I should've written everything anonymously.  But, oh well, f**k it. I already have a bunch of notes on my phone that aren't ever making it anywhere. 

I don't know what home is or how it feels to be at home. 

One day maybe I'll find my home. For now, I find solace in writing, reading and confiding in Bangtan. That's right, I am an ARMY and the fangirl in me is bound to come out sooner than the later. 

I have no freaking idea if anything that I wrote above made any sense at all but I just poured my heart out. Maybe, I'll find my home someday. Maybe I'll just keep wondering and wandering. Either way, it's a beautiful life. 😍 

 

Love🥂,

A❤️💜

Hello Again 👋

Hey Readers,

It's been a long time since I have been here talking about life or just anything at all. I doubt anyone is reading this right now but if you somehow accidentally stumbled across my post, hi, I am Airene and if you are a tiny bit interested in knowing anything about me, all you have to do is go through this blog and that might give you an idea. 

So, I figured I'd just download the blogger's app and start writing anything and everything on the go so expect more such random posts from me. 

As for me and my life, I doubt there's much to share. My life has been quite boring lately although I am not exactly complaining.  After all the storms and challenges in the last few years, I'm relieved to have some boredom, says the girl who once hated being bored. 

All I would say now is "Everything happens for a reason" 

Stay tuned if you want to know more stories about a stranger on the Internet.  I promise it's not all dull and depressing, it gets fun and interesting too. 😉

Love,

A❤️🥂

LOVE - THE DOVE

I nurtured a dove

Whom I named love

For quite a while

She was a selenophile

Love gazed at the moon

As it made her swoon 

Her gorgeous ruffles shone bright

In the night light

Love was a delight

I wanted to keep her safe

In my embrace

Forever, I recall

Little did I know

Forever was an illusion

Flying high and free was her decision

She was a queen

Of everyone's dream

But all she wanted was to fly and never look back

I was sad, taken aback

As she whispered her wishes 

To my face

My heart sank 

As I drank

the pain away

accepting her way

to let her sway

and off she went

Her wings spread like a tent

looking like a star

While I wonder

If she'll ever come back

I know she will never

I can't let go, however

I wish for her peace and happiness

Knowing she will win over the world with her finesse

Even though I and LOVE Part ways

She'll own my heart always 

💜🙏🏻

                                                ~Airene

The Road Trip

"Oh, the car broke down and it's raining!" Elena exclaimed.

They got stranded in the middle of nowhere. It was raining and they were driving for a while. Both of them were hungry. So, the car breaking down that too in a secluded place did them no good. 

Both of them got out of the car and started walking in hopes of finding a place to rest and eat- a shelter for a few hours. 

Few Months Earlier

Elena didn't know much about this guy. This was their first real date after hanging out virtually for a while. Well, the thing about Elena is, she's an introvert with high social anxiety or as most people would say- Weirdo!

But, the people who really know her, know she is a lovable person. Although, she's one of the strongest people you will ever come across. Umm, to put it right, we can say Elena is a toughie but a goofball full of love and practicality. 

She's a hopeless romantic with trust issues so she's too scared of falling in love. She believes in the concept of soulmates but she has given up on finding her soulmate or a partner. Well, to be honest, she has had her heart broken into pieces and she gave up on finding love.

Ever since then she just focused on healing and working. A lot happened in between but one fine Saturday afternoon, while she was scrolling mindlessly through the pointless reels on Instagram and fangirling over her favorite music group, she got a notification that somebody followed her.

Since it was the weekend and she had nothing to do, she decided to stalk this follower. He was a good-looking guy, some kind of entrepreneur, loves music, has a dog, and surprisingly is also into classic literature and fiction. 

She didn't believe it at first and thought that the entire feed was made up to attract people. She decided to play the game and hit 'follow back'. That's how it began. It took him ages to convince her that he is real and he is not trying to fool her. 

Well, it was not love. They just clicked pretty well. Elena values friendship more than anything else and they became very good friends. 

Never, in the whole relationship, or whatever they had going, he forced her to meet or do anything. It was all moving at a pace they were comfortable with. 

One day, while face-timing, he blurted out without thinking much "you know it's high time, we should meet". 

He was just pulling her leg and he knew the obvious response. But, to this surprise, Elena said "okay, let's do it".

The Current Chapter 

Finally, they met, he picked her up and they planned to go for a drive and food. 

This is when the car broke down and they had to find shelter somewhere for a few hours. 

After walking for a while, they found many cars parked in front of what looked like a cottage. 

They went to it and it was crowded with people. It was a beautiful cabin in the woods. 

Unfortunately, the rooms were full and they were escorted into the dining hall where they barely had any place to sit. It was chaotic and loud. 

Elena hates chaos and he knows that. She started complaining about how poor the management is, and how unorganized everything is. 

While this went on, they ordered food and the food turned out to be horrible as well. 

Elena: "ugh, I'm so sorry for today. This is why I told you meeting me ain't a good idea. I'm sure, this is not the date you expected". 

He just smiled. They sat there observing the surroundings and everyone around was complaining about how poor the management is. 

Time went by, and a staff member soon came in and informed them that their car was repaired followed by the manager, who saw him and got shocked. 

He stood in front of the room and asked everyone what their complaints are. He asked the manager to fix things as soon as possible and he'll come back soon. The manager shook his hands and showed them the way out. 

Elena asked, "hmm, that was weird. Why was the manager obliging to your questions? You looked like you know him". 

He smiled and asked her to come outside. They came out and he said "look up" pointing at the name board.

He owned the damn thing and he promised that he'll take care of things to make it better. 

They sat in the car and it started shaking. 

"Elena, Elena wake up, we have to leave" exclaimed her mom. 

Golly gosh, it was just one of her silly dreams again. Elena smiled and proceeded with her day. 

It was trip day for her family and that's why her mom woke her up at dawn. 

The whole family was supposed to go on a road trip to the beach out of town. 

They got ready and left for the trip. Everyone was having fun and the atmosphere of the car was lit. 

A few hours into the trip, the car broke down. 

"Okay, while this gets fixed, let's take a pit stop here. Let us find something, have some food and relax for while" said Elena's fun uncle.

They started walking and her brother said, "look there's a cabin ". 

Elena stood outside the cabin, shocked and surprised. She murmured, "How is this even possible?" 

She looked up at the board and it said "Elena's Castle". 

"Hey, look it's your castle, Elena," said her dad. 

Everyone laughed and went inside. 

Elena was taken aback by what she saw. It was the same cabin, the same interiors, only better, that she saw in her dreams. 

Everyone seemed to recognize Elena and welcomed the whole family. 

"Look, you're famous here. Maybe, they had nothing to do and read your crappy books or blogs" her brother teased. 

She was quiet and she still couldn't believe where she was. How could this happen? She never knew of this place, she has never been here before.

While everyone was relaxing and having a good time, she went out to take a look at the surroundings. She clicked a few pictures and wandered around for a while, sipping coffee and reminiscing about the dream.

They had their food and it was time to leave. The car was also repaired. 

Elena walked out with her family. Her heart was full. One last time, she looked back at the cabin, and the name board and smiled. 

"Elle, come on. It's getting late" 

She went inside the car and embarked on the rest of the journey with a happy heart.

Artwork By Aishani- my little niece

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Characters, businesses, events, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Just Another Meltdown In The Shower! 🙂

I stood there like a mess, tears dropping from my eyes, water droplets running through my tresses. 

I started wondering why can't I keep myself in check, why can't I control these flowing tears, I wanted to stop but I couldn't. 

I was out of breathe, I wanted to scream, I wanted someone to hold me while I was losing myself and hug me saying "it's okay" 

I was searching for someone to calm me down but there was no one. Maybe a warm touch would have made me feel better, maybe a palm on my head would have comforted me. 

But there was no one. I kept crying while standing and sitting in the shower, I kept struggling to breathe. At that very moment, I wanted to scream and tell the world that I'm tired, I'm too tired of fighting. I'm tired of everything. 

For once, I want someone to listen to me, to care for me and to be genuinely there. 

But, nobody would understand right? They'll invalidate what I feel by saying "don't get depressed" and "others got it worse" or they'll probably not even listen. 

How can I say that I did not choose to feel this way? I hate feeling this way. My broken heart is further breaking into pieces and I don't know how to express myself. 

If I don't put this out, I'm probably going to pass out from feeling so overwhelmed. I need to get this off. 

I'm being too much right? Overreacting maybe? Maybe I'm. 

People will come with their opinions but when you need them the most, you'll have no one. 

Just another day huh? Just another meltdown in the shower. 

P:C- Pinterest

Life goes on. 🙂

                                               ~Airene

Life Happens! Shit Happens! We Live On! 💖

The more I speak, write and read about mental health, the more I realize how stigmatized it still is. The taboo around mental health is real. Many people still have no clue how serious it can be. The insensitive comments they make towards the mental health posts and issues can affect many people and everyone has their own struggles. 

I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety in my teenage years! 

Things got worse when my grades started dropping. I was a good student and this dip in grades was something I couldn't accept.

I became an average student (neither good at academics nor at co-curricular activities). 

The only escape I had was writing!

I started hating myself and wish I was dead. I tried attempting suicide numerous times (this is the first time I am saying this out loud). I was desperate. 

Then I got into a relationship and became emotionally dependent on that relationship. But, that relationship could not make me love myself. It made things worse. I hated every aspect of being alive. I hated the way I looked, the way I talked and how I was failing at everything. 

Soon, we grew up, became adults, and started living our own lives. Well, my life still revolved around that relationship.

My life revolved around my partner and I didn't have any individuality or space. I didn't realize how toxic it got. That was my only purpose of living (or so I thought). I fought with everyone for him. My friends turned against me, the people I thought to be my closest betrayed me. 

I thought "it doesn't matter, as long as he loves me, I'll live" Do you know what's the biggest irony of life?

I got cheated on by him after dating for almost a decade! Ha-ha! Cheating is a deal-breaker for me in any relationship! 

When I care for someone, I'll go to extreme heights for that person but once you betray me, I'll not look back at you ever again! 

I walked out of that relationship (turns out he already walked out of it before, I just ended it officially). That was the best decision of my life. 

I thought I'll die without him. You know what he said, when I asked him why he did this?

He said "I thought you'd kill yourself so I couldn't tell you anything". 

I answered "No matter what I do, I won't kill myself for you" . I still wanted to be in touch with him because whom am I kidding? I loved him but at that moment I chose me. 

For the first time, I chose myself and never looked back. 

I became numb, I felt nothing that day. The trauma hit me so hard that I didn't know how to react. 

The only people that stood by me during those days were my parents and my best friends. 

I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have them. 

I started having serious episodes again and he would text me out of nowhere to blame me and say how I destroyed his life. 

Yes, I made mistakes too. I always say that I'm a great friend but a terrible girlfriend! I am too clingy and love being with my partner. Maybe that'll change with time. 

For the time being, I'm not ready to go for any commitment. Or maybe I did not find the right person yet, time will tell! One thing that I pride on is my loyalty. I stayed loyal till the end and I'd always stay loyal to near and dear ones. 

I thought my adventures ended here. Oh how wrong was I! The breakup broke me, traumatized me, destroyed my mental health. But, this was just the beginning! 

I used to act numb and cold. It took me a while but eventually I got better. 

What stayed was my depression, my anxiety! I tried seeking help but the therapist I consulted online advised me "move on, there's nothing you could do about it." 

I never sought any professional help after that. I had my friends and they're the best things that happened to me ever. 

Two years later, on December 2021, I got diagnosed with brain tumor! I was finally at a turning point in my career. 

Everything just fell apart in a jiffy. I had to go for surgery and now I'm on a break. 

With this, my depression became much more brutal. I cannot even begin to say how helpless I feel. I am not used to living like this. 

This is just an example of what I went through or what I'm going through. 

Yes I know I'm privileged. But that doesn't mean I don't feel pain. If you never suffered from any mental health illness, I pray you never have to but that doesn't give you the liberty to discard what other people's feelings.

It's highly insensitive to compare your pain with others. It's completely okay to grieve and it's normal to feel how you're feeling. 

Don't say things like "you're privileged", "people have it worse", "it's all in your mind", etc. 

Mental health issues are very much real and they can destroy us. The person sitting next to you in the bus might be having an anxiety attack and you'll be completely oblivious to it. 

My depression gave me insomnia, health issues and a ton of other problems as gifts. 

I've had people tell me the most insensitive things and say how lucky I'm. 

Bro, I might be the richest girl in the universe and still suffer from depression.

We all have pain and we all have the right to grieve. No one's walking in our shoes and no one will understand the pain we are going through. If we can't compare the good things, why compare the pain? It's difficult and it's different for every people out there. 

Let them grieve in peace. That's how they heal and that's how they learn. Instead of saying things like forget, move on, try being by their sides, try being a good listener and try helping them recover.

People going through this are not looking for advice but are looking for a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold and seeking the familiar warmth which they no longer will be able to get. Try feeling the gap, try making them feel less lonely. If you cannot do this, do nothing. Just walk away.

Image Credits: Pexels/Pixabay

The Lost Journey ❤️

 "Hi, It has been such a long time," You said hugging your best friend whom you're meeting after almost two years. 

You guys have always been in touch via text and call but your busy schedules and the current situation has kept you apart for so long. 

"Ahhh, my monkey. Now that I can chew your brain face to face, I feel alive. Life's so boring without you."

You guys laughed and headed inside the restaurant. She's pursuing her master's and you've got a full-time job. 

Both of your schedules are so jam-packed that seeing each other has become almost impossible. But, that hasn't created any difference between you. You're still the same. 

"So, how's everything going?" You asked. 

"Hahahaha! As if you already don't know" She replied. 

"I know, but I cannot believe I'm seeing you after almost two years. Remember during college? We used to hang out every other day even though our colleges were separate" You said. 

"Yeah, we were a happy mess back then" She replied with a sigh. 

"Aren't you happy now?" You asked, taken aback.

"Are you?" She asked you back with a grin. 

"Ahh well, according to people's opinion I earn a decent living, I'm independent and I've friends so I don't have any pain in life. My life is perfect. Happy as ever" You replied. 

"You can pretend in front of the whole world you asshole, but you cannot pretend in front of me. And pain? You don't have pain? I've seen you through everything. The act you put on with that sweet smile can steal millions of hearts but they cannot handle the rawness inside your heart". She replied almost teary-eyed.

"You've not only seen me but you've been with me through everything. You've seen me in days when staying alive wasn't an option for me anymore but you pulled me through it. Bro, you kinda saved my life. And I know you're not happy. Even though this is your dream, you're still not happy. We've been together forever and we've seen each other through everything. " You said

"People also say me that I'm pursuing my masters now, I've rich parents and next I'll pursue P.hd. My life is sorted. I'm the happiest girl in the world. I mean yes I'm lucky and blessed but does that also mean I'm happy? I mean just because my parents work hard and I'm pursuing higher studies means I cannot have any pain in life" She said. 

"People! People are entitled to have an opinion. I know everyone out there is struggling with their own problems but that doesn't give them the right to totally disregard the problem of other people. If you can't respect another individual's feelings, keep your damn mouth shut. Don't disrespect like that. Only if they've seen you like I did and only if they understood what you went through. You're such an inspiration girl and I'm not saying this because you're my best friend. But, I'm saying this because I mean it. " You said with a mellow smile. 

"I can say the same thing to you. I still remember that day when you called me and was like everything is over. I swear babe, I was scared for my life. I thought you'll do something stupid but you're way stronger than that and I'm so proud of you asshole. You're one heck of a strong woman. See the person you've become today. Be proud of yourself" She said. 

"Well, then you should be proud of yourself too and yes I like the way I've turned out to be. I'm still working on myself. But, there are times when I feel too empty, lonely, and heavy at the same time. There's this pain that doesn't go away and makes me feel so many things yet I feel nothing. So many thoughts swarm across my head but again I cannot think anything. I don't know how's that possible. Umm, to put it into short my heart feels heavy, my head feels empty. I don't know how to describe this feeling. " You explained taking a sip of your wine. 

"Hmm, I understand. Given your personality, you don't even open up to anyone or share how you're feeling with anybody else so you just keep it to yourself and feel even more down. I'm sorry I've not been there as much as I should have. I'm really sorry" She said, a tear rolled down from her cheeks. 

"Aye, don't be sorry. I couldn't be there for you as well. We were busy and judging how much of a nerd you've become with all these syllabus and books, I wouldn't have bothered you either like you didn't tell me you weren't happy." You said smiling. 

"Classic you! You'll never change. Well, I feel empty too and I cannot trust people. In fact, the amount of times we've been backstabbed, it's better for us not to trust people. I just have you and am glad for that. Please promise to reach out to me whenever you feel down" 

"I will only if you promise to do the same". You being the classic you cracked a deal. 

"Deal" she replied

"When did we grow up so much and why did we get so lost? This wasn't our plan. Our 20s weren't supposed to be like this" She asked you. 

"Hmm, aren't we all lost and broken?" You said. 

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Characters, businesses, events, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual events are purely coincidental.

The Feeling Of Falling 💖

 "Hey Monkey" You heard him call out your name from a distance.

"You idiot, you're late again" You yelled at your best friend.

Both of you have been best friends since kindergarten and you have basically spent your entire lives together. But, there's something about him that you find different these days.

Maybe, you started seeing him in a different light, maybe he is becoming more than just a best friend to you!

Well, he liked you since you were a kid and he was very clear about it. Now, you are having the same feelings about him too, but you got worried.

You hung out all the time and both of you were very clear of your hearts. But, there's something that kept stopping you!

"Well, what's the problem? I mean you guys are together for your entire lives. He has liked you since forever and now you like him back too. Isn't that a good thing? " Your sister asked.

"No! It isn't. I'm just too scarred and scared to fall in love and I'm afraid I'll hurt him. His smile will fade away if he sees me like that again" You replied with a sigh!

"What makes you think so? Isn't this worth taking a risk?"

"No sis, not again! I'm just too broken"

"Can he not fix you?"

"He practically saved my life and was there for me throughout everything. Nobody but I can fix myself and I'm afraid it'd take a long time"

"What's so wrong about falling in love? It's a beautiful feeling!"

"Yes, it is beautiful. The feeling of falling is beautiful. You know it's okay when you're just falling, it's okay when the other one is falling too. The moment your love is reciprocated is when things start to go wrong. You build up expectations, even though you say you won't. It just comes naturally. We cannot do anything about it. They don't live up to your expectations, you don't live up to their expectations, your wounds become fresh and you start bleeding again. It will destroy you over and over again if you don't fix yourself" you replied.

"Hmm, what now?!"

"Nothing. Things will go like the way they are"

"So, you're going to bottle up your feelings again?"

"Um, yes, pretty much, and keep being the best friend that I'm"

"It won't hurt you?"

"No, it won't. Rather, it makes me happy. Just being with him makes me happy and I've absolutely no regrets" you said with a big, happy grin, but the pain was invincible in your eyes, in your smile.

"Well, it's your life, but what if he moves on?" Your sister asked, rather concerned.

"I'm hoping he would. He's the best and he deserves to be loved by someone who can give him the world and that isn't me"

Your phone beeped right at that moment!

He texted you

"I'm downstairs. Open up. I got beer and chicken"

You smiled and ran downstairs. Nothing beats the combination of beer and chicken. It's your favorite.

"Why the sudden appearance, idiot?" You asked him.

"I was missing you and I wanted to sit under the sky with you," he said looking straight into your eyes.

You just stood there and smiled. This feeling that you were feeling confused you on how to react.

"What? I didn't ask you to say it back. Now, will you please help me with these bags? Stop being such a princess. Do some work you lazy ass" he screamed being the smug he is.

You hurriedly took the bags and climbed up the stairs to your terrace.

This was your happy place. Well, to be honest, this was your comfort place. Whenever things got crazy, you came up here with him, sat on the edge, sipped on a bottle of beer, and feasted on some chicken.

Today was the same. You sat there with him, let the cool breeze brush through the strands of your hair, and the music fades away in the background. With the bottle of beer in your hand, you caught a glimpse of his face in the moonlight and felt a sense of peace. You thought "Well, I love him" to yourself and he caught you staring.

You looked away and smiled.

"So, this is how it goes?" He asked.

"Maybe," you replied with your legs dangling on the edge and smiling.

You don't know what the future holds for you, but all you know that this very moment is all the happiness and peace you could ask for.

Image Source: Pinterest

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Characters, businesses, events, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual events are purely coincidental.

2020: It's a wrap!

Hey everyone, how are you all doing? It's New Year’s Eve. 2020 has finally come to an end now. Woah! What a crazy year it has been. From forest fires to the deadly pandemic to a destructive cyclone- we have seen it all this year. We have also lost a lot of people this year- from loved ones to legends. It has not been an easy year at all. So, I wanted to publish a post to bid adieu to 2020 and wrap things up. My last post was about self-healing and hope. Things might get a little awry in this one so please bear with me and remember at the end of everything, there's still hope. ❤

 

Well, personally for me 2020 did not begin on a great note. I had to go through something that was very draining emotionally. I would not get over it ever. But, the show must go on and I could not give up on life. So, I continued to push myself and live. What I taught was living was barely surviving. I kept on working and working to distract myself. I did not sleep at all. All I did was work. I barely ate anything. I did not take care of myself. I overworked to the point that it drained me. Then I lost a family member who was very special to me. I did not speak about it, and I would like not too, since words cannot express what I felt. 

Life came to a standstill. I used work as an excuse to distract myself everything that was happening. Things got overwhelming. So, at the end of October, I decided it was too much and I need to slow down. I need to face my feelings, my emotions and stop running away from it. So, I took a break from everything and started facing a bunch of emotions that were being piled on. It was a lot. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. It became hard for me to breathe. I lost interest in everything. I stopped talking to everyone and went on a hiatus. My health started deteriorating, my mental health went haywire and I had a major burnout. I am still sick but I am glad I had that burnout. It is still not easy but I am doing much better. 

One good thing that happened is that I became extremely comfortable being by myself and doing things alone. It also helped me get rid of a lot of toxicity and negativity. Although, I am not at my absolute best I want to start the New Year on a good note. So, I pulled myself out of bed, got a little dressed up, brushed my hair, cleansed and moisturized my face, applied some tint and turned on my computer. I know it's TMI but for people like us, even the little chores like these can take a lot of efforts. Therefore, let's not lose hope and bid adieu to 2020 like the true warriors we are. 

This was not our year

We lost people near and dear,

Yet we fought and won like warriors

So, hold on to your hopes and tighten your gears

Here's wishing everyone a very

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Adios 2020! 💓

A State Of Euphoria: Time To Heal!

 Hi everyone! What's up? How are you all doing? Welcome back to my little world. It has been more than a year since I wrote anything here. The last blog that I wrote was quite heavy and indicated a fresh start. That's what I have been doing since then. I took the time to work, heal myself, and find myself all over again. ❤

Well, obviously it was not unicorns and rainbows all the time. In fact, the majority of this phase was quite rough and patchy. The road was bumpy. It was very difficult but not impossible. After what it seems like more than a year, several bumpy rides, several happy moments later, I can proudly say that I am doing better than ever. Am I completely healed? No! Am I happy with myself? Yes, and I am constantly thriving to become a better version. Now, coming back to this post. Did you read the title? A state of "Euphoria'! Well, yes the name is inspired by one of my favorite songs "Euphoria" sang by Jungkook from BTS. ❤

This year has been crazy, right? It changed our lives most unexpectedly. I'll be lying if I say that the situation did not take a toll on me. It did, it drained the living hell out of my soul. Being stuck at home every day makes me feel sick and unproductive. I cannot get any work done if I am unmotivated. But, I constantly pushed myself to make the best of it. Some days I just kept lazing around and some days I went too harsh on myself. But, after struggling for months I'm at a point where I am doing better. I have never felt so much peace in my life before. I don't depend on others for being happy or expect anything from anyone. I have learned to love myself, prioritize myself, and be responsible for my own happiness. 💗

Happiness is a choice and I ain't giving that right to anyone. There was a time when I used to be extremely uncomfortable with myself. Now, I feel the most comfortable with myself. I like spending time with myself and caring for myself. Simple things like watching the sunrise/sunset, moon, the night sky, spending time with my cousins, cuddling with my cats, chatting with my friends, working, listening to music, etc make me happy. This year really gave me the time to reflect, contemplate, and make some major life decisions. I gave up something I didn't like doing and started investing myself in doing things I love. 💗💗

With all that being said, I also learned a few lessons this year. The first one is how important it is to be comfortable with ourselves, being independent, emotionally stable, and also you need to know how to control your emotions. Trust me guys, if you know how to love yourselves, care for yourselves, and pay  attentionto the little things, you need nobody to become happy. Be carefree, not careless, cherish the moment while preparing for a better future, don't be too harsh on yourselves, do something you love, don't give up on your dreams, keep fighting. Remember, you have got one life and you need to make the best of it. Do not think about surviving, live! Let us wrap this up in the classic Airene style:

Life's kinda blurry,
everything seems a little scary
but don't you worry,
cuz, they will send us the fairy
to help us heal and take the ferry

to a better prairie

where euphoria will dawn upon us and

Christmas will again be merry! 

Stay Safe, Stay Healthy! ❤

Disclaimer: All pictures are shot and edited by me. Kindly do not use it elsewhere! 

Set Of A New Dawn!

Hey everyone! Umm, I don't know how to start, but it has been a long time. It has been months since I last wrote. Let alone write; I almost disappeared from the blogging world. A lot has changed in these few months. I think I gave the same intro in my last post as well. But, this time, the changes were catastrophic. I, never in my life imagined I could go through something like this. Well, to be precise, my life turned upside down this year. It changed overnight. If you know me or follow me on social media, then you definitely know I got a job this year. Yes, I'm super grateful for that, and that is a good change.

You must be wondering if everything is okay, then what do I mean by "catastrophic changes."? Well, if you know me somehow, then you also know I had a long-term relationship with a very special person. He was a part of my life for eleven years. Okay, how do I say this? We broke up. Yes, we are not together anymore. No, I don't have any hard feelings for him, and I wish him all the very best in his life. However, the whole breakup experience was quite traumatic for me. I never imagined it would happen, but the universe had other plans, and it happened.

Nevertheless, I have some wonderful people in my life who held my hand and helped me through this whole process. I may sound like a whining teenager to you but trust me it's hard. I am 22, and I had my entire life figured out, and then everything came crashing down, which shattered my heart.

Some of you might also want to know how am I now? I am trying to put my broken pieces together and just live my life. I don't want to think about the past or future. I want to feel each moment I am living because you never know if you'd get the chance to experience it again. The two things I am trying to learn are self-love and prioritising myself over anyone else. I can proudly say now "I choose to make myself happy, and I won't feel guilty about it."

So, that was it. The major life update I had to give, or you can say I'm giving myself a closure with this post. I don't have any idea what I wrote and if anything made any sense at all. What am I hoping for now?

Well,

Walking through the lawn,

 Looked back at the life I've drawn,

I smiled, a little withdrawn

Walked ahead towards the 

Set Of a New Dawn!

My beautiful brother! 😢

Hey everyone, it's been a long, long time again. A lot has changed in the last few months. You might think what made me write again? Well, recently I lost my very dear pet cat whom I loved and cared like my little brother. Ever since life has been super hard for me. I could not sleep, eat, or do anything.  So, I thought the perfect goodbye is to write him an open letter that would stay on the internet forever.

Dear Gogo,
           

               It was exactly 4:00 am when we heard a kitten meowing out of nowhere. We thought one of our existing kittens was playing so we went back to sleep. But, the meowing continued to get louder. At this point, we were a little worried. Dad woke up and opened the door only to find a little frightened kitten pacing around. The moment we saw you, we fell in love with you and took you in our arms. I embraced you as an early birthday gift since you graced our lives fifteen days before my 21st birthday. We officially welcomed you in our lives on 13th July 2018, 4:30 am IST. My mom named you Gogo.

 You filled our lives with so much joy and emotions. I took you as my baby brother and you became a part of me. You started growing into a naughty little cat. You ruffled everyone with your naughtiness but captured everyone's heart with cuteness. So, no one could ever be angry with you. The only person who annoyed you was me because I am your elder sister and I had every right to do so. I cuddled you so much in that you were fed up with me but I know you loved me equally. We had so much fun together. You became such an important part of my life that I had to begin my day by cuddling you. It was impossible for me to do anything without seeing you at least once. No matter where you went you would come back home.

 Everything was going great. I was so happy, everyone was happy until 10 months later on 8th June 2019 you went missing. You disappeared into thin air. There was no trace of you. You were nowhere to be found. Everyone searched for you crazily. I am typing this on 16th June 2019. It has been 8 days you haven't been home.

 We all are still searching for you. After you went, I fell apart. I lost my appetite, sleep and the will to do anything. Every time I would try to eat or go to sleep, your face would float in front of me. Remember those endless photo sessions and video shoots? Well, those are my hope now. I could see those innocent eyes looking at me. I start crying randomly throughout the day. Nights mean wet pillows. I would still stare outside waiting for you to come back. I see our other cats playing but you are not there. You are special, you are my baby brother. 

I promise I will pull myself up but I will keep waiting for you. If we don't meet in my lifetime, I will definitely meet you on the other side. I just want you to know that I love you. I love you so much I could not even imagine to put it into words. I miss you every second. Life is so tough without you. Stay safe and happy wherever you are. We will not stop waiting for you. You are a part of me that won't be replaced ever by anyone. I love you and I miss you. 

                                                                                                                           Your Annoying Sister,

                                                                                                                                    Airene!

              

A Piece From My Heart To Yours!

Hey beautiful people, what's up? I haven't written a blog in a while now. Actually, I've been MIA from everywhere for quite some time. I created this blog to share my feelings and thoughts with you. This is a personal space for me. Journaling my thoughts is a habit that developed over the years. It helped me get through some difficult phases. I never really spoke out about my depression or anxiety before. The first time I spoke out about it was on this blog only where I wrote A Letter To My Younger Self. Now, the reason why I've been absent from everywhere is that I'm going through a very difficult phase in my life.

First, let me be very clear. I'm not writing this to gain any form of sympathy. If this helps you in any way then that's great. So, here goes my story.

So, something happened that broke my confidence terribly. Even though, I know I don't deserve what I got but still I got it. This is the reason it hurts so much. If I deserved what I got I'd be fine. I don't know if I'm making any sense at all but this is why it's happening. My anxiety is at the highest peak. It's this feeling that keeps haunting me and makes me think I'm good for nothing. This is a dark phase in my life and everyone goes through some dark phases.

 The one thing I know for sure is I'll come out of it. Sooner or later I'll overcome it and maybe a few years back when I look back I'll be glad that this happened. I've some amazing people who are there for me no matter what. But, this time is hard. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat, I don't feel like doing anything. But, I push myself every day to get through this and make myself understand that this is a part of life.

Being an introvert, I've very limited people whom I trust and they are well aware of what I'm going through. It feels like life is falling apart but at the same time I know I'd be able to pull it together. Whenever I feel like I'll collapse I close my eyes and think of all the good things that happened in my life. I write and listen to some soulful music. I read some good inspiring quotes. I came across this quote which says "Give yourself credit for the days you've made it when you thought you couldn't" and that's definitely something to be proud of. I'm a girl who will not give up no matter how strong the storm is or how much it brings me down. I'll fight and live through it. Some days are more terrible than other and some are hard.

So, yeah that's my story for now. Just remember one thing "Only you can help yourself and only you can fight for yourself.". You have to face it and giving up is definitely not an option. Every cloud has a silver lining.

Giving a piece from my heart to yours

Everything has a cure.

Don't stop believing

Cuz' life is worth living.

Pain is a phase

that makes you chase  

the beauty of life 

that you desperately thrive!

Goodnight People, sweet dreams!

Images from pexels.com!

A Letter To My Younger Self.

Hey everyone, what's up. So, for my next blog post I decided to write a letter to my 16 year old self who struggled a lot with everything. I'm not writing this to gain sympathy or anything. I just thought of sharing something which I think may help a lot of young people who are struggling with some issues. This letter may come as a shock to many of my family and friends or more than shock I'd like to say surprise. It's extremely personal and close to my heart.

Pic Courtesy: Google Images.

Dear Airene,
                     Hi! How are you? Though I know the  answer to this question but still I thought this would be a good start. Life is miserable I know. You are sixteen and you are consistently failing in everything. Your grades are dropping. You are confused. Your friends are leaving and nobody understands you. You are suffering from major depression and anxiety. You can't sleep at night. You feel like ending your life and there's nothing for you to live with.

Pic Courtesy: Google Images,

Trust me, girl you are wrong. Those sleeping pills aren't gonna help you. Why are you harming yourself? The people who made you shed tears aren't worth it. Trust me, you're going to realise it a few years later. You've got your parents who I know is a little overprotective now but trust me you're the world to them. They've got no one except you. You have got an amazing boyfriend who loves you unconditionally and will be with you years from now. You've got your best friend who is willing to go against the world for you. You have got a mother like cousin who loves you like her own daughter. Don't keep things shut to yourself. Open up, talk to someone , get help. Those grades on the paper doesn't decide your value. Eventually, you'll do what you love and always wanted. You'll be happy and content in life. You have lost many people and Thank God you did. You don't need them. Learn to love yourself a little.

Pic Courtesy: Google Images.

Trust me, life's gonna be a thousand times better than what it is now. You will still struggle but you will overcome it like a boss. You'll be stronger and better. You will have people who will love you with all their life and you'll love them back. They'll accept you for who you are, what you are and how you are. You are going to be a die hard animal lover. You'll have lots of pet.

Pic Courtesy: Google Images.

So, gain lessons from these experience and start living your life. You don't want to miss out on so many awesome things. Trust me, life is short and worth giving a shot.

                                                                                                                                     Yours truly,

From a better, stronger and happier

Your  21 year old self.

Pic Courtesy: Google Images

.

Friendship~ The Essence Of LIfe!

Hey everyone, what's up? Since. this is my first post on this blog, it had to be special right? As we are starting a new journey, let's talk about friendship.💗

Pic Courtesy: Google Images!

Friendship- What is friendship to you? For me it is the essence of life. Friendship is something which begins at where everything ends. It is a bond which can't be described in words. Friendship is where quality matters over quantity. It doesn't matter if you have a gang of hundred people and you get no one by your side in your tough times but if you've one friend who's there for you no matter what, then my dear don't let that person go. He/she is your one true friend. True friends are the gem of life. When you got a true friend your life lightens up from every side. If you're worried about who your true friends really are, then don't worry because eventually it'll be clear as water. When you feel lonely and feel like you've lost everything your best-friend will be there saying "Chill man, let's go out" . Remember we never lose friends, we just know who our friends really are!

Pic Courtesy: Google Images.

Summing this up by a few lines:

Saying this out loud 

You make me proud; 

An angel in disguise 

You never fail to surprise. 

For one thing I fear 

I hate to see you in tears. 

I promise you my friend 

This bond I’ll let never end!

Pic Courtesy: Google images.

                                             

This post is dedicated to my best friend Anuradha. I love you to the moon and back!

So, this friendship day gift your friends by showing your gratitude towards them. Trust me the smile they'll have is worth more than a million dollars.

Happy Friendship Day!

Pic Courtesy: Google images!