Dear Anxiety!

 Hey! We meet again. It has been a while, right? My hands started shivering, I felt numb, I started sweating and my heart started racing. It became so hard to breathe. It was so painful. You know I cried today and I don't even know the reason why. I didn't want to cry. I cried after a while. Everything stopped and became blurry for some time. 

Image source: Pinterest

Ahh well! I thought I was doing fine, I thought I was thriving. Honestly, I was! Everything seemed ok and out of nowhere, you came today. Why? What was the reason for giving me this pain? Lol, it's foolish of me to even ask this now. If there was an answer to this then I guess I would have found out long ago. You know I can live without you. I can live happily without you and I would prefer that. But now that you're a part of me, I cannot help but accept you and fight with you for the peace of my mind. It started back in school right? When I was in kindergarten and I cried because my colour crossed the black border of that doll on the artbook? Or did it start when I came 5th and cried because I didn't top? Or was it when I was nervous at my viva exams? This just became a thing. Little did little me know back then that this particular feeling will stay with me forever and this is what we call anxiety. Little did teen me know that her nervousness for the maths exam was way more than just nervousness. Little did she know that she would also become a victim of depression. Little did she know that the cocktail of anxiety and depression is not great. She fell victim to all these without having any knowledge of what was happening. Nobody told me what to do, nobody guided me, nobody saw the real thing behind the facade that I wore. I mastered the art of fake smiling at a young age and everyone assumed I'm a very happy little girl. Well, the sleeves of my school uniform covered multiple scars. Scars of me punishing myself, scars of me trying to get some relief from the mental pain, scars of feeling satisfied to see the blood ooze out. Behind that smile hid numerous attempts when she decided to end her life and when she started living on sleeping pills. But, nothing killed me. 

Image source: Pinterest

You tried so hard. You tried so bad to kill me, end me, finish me, drain me. Well, you kinda drained me and I got exhausted with the fight. I gave up almost until one fine day I lost everything a person could lose. I lost the only dream I had left, I lost all my hopes of life. That was the day you snatched away a lot but that was also the day when Airene became fearless. She was no longer the scared little girl. Do you know why? Because she has nothing more to lose now. When a woman has nothing left to lose, she becomes fearless and a fearless woman can overcome anything and everything. So, try hard, stay with me and watch me fight you like a queen. I'm alone but I'm not afraid. I'm independent, fearless and someone who doesn't deserve this pain. I am like a phoenix who only rises stronger from her ashes. 

Image Source: Pinterest

Anxiety, you are not likely to part ways with me and so I accept you as a part of me. But, I won't let you win. This time, it's me who's in charge and even though you can trigger the worst of my emotions, making it painful for me to breathe or do anything, I'll pause and let it sway over to the other end. I'll pause and take a break. But I won't let you win. This is my life and I'm in control. If I've come so far, overcoming so much then I can do it for the rest of my life too. 

                                                                ~Airene

                                         

                               

2020: It's a wrap!

Hey everyone, how are you all doing? It's New Year’s Eve. 2020 has finally come to an end now. Woah! What a crazy year it has been. From forest fires to the deadly pandemic to a destructive cyclone- we have seen it all this year. We have also lost a lot of people this year- from loved ones to legends. It has not been an easy year at all. So, I wanted to publish a post to bid adieu to 2020 and wrap things up. My last post was about self-healing and hope. Things might get a little awry in this one so please bear with me and remember at the end of everything, there's still hope. ❤

 

Well, personally for me 2020 did not begin on a great note. I had to go through something that was very draining emotionally. I would not get over it ever. But, the show must go on and I could not give up on life. So, I continued to push myself and live. What I taught was living was barely surviving. I kept on working and working to distract myself. I did not sleep at all. All I did was work. I barely ate anything. I did not take care of myself. I overworked to the point that it drained me. Then I lost a family member who was very special to me. I did not speak about it, and I would like not too, since words cannot express what I felt. 

Life came to a standstill. I used work as an excuse to distract myself everything that was happening. Things got overwhelming. So, at the end of October, I decided it was too much and I need to slow down. I need to face my feelings, my emotions and stop running away from it. So, I took a break from everything and started facing a bunch of emotions that were being piled on. It was a lot. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. It became hard for me to breathe. I lost interest in everything. I stopped talking to everyone and went on a hiatus. My health started deteriorating, my mental health went haywire and I had a major burnout. I am still sick but I am glad I had that burnout. It is still not easy but I am doing much better. 

One good thing that happened is that I became extremely comfortable being by myself and doing things alone. It also helped me get rid of a lot of toxicity and negativity. Although, I am not at my absolute best I want to start the New Year on a good note. So, I pulled myself out of bed, got a little dressed up, brushed my hair, cleansed and moisturized my face, applied some tint and turned on my computer. I know it's TMI but for people like us, even the little chores like these can take a lot of efforts. Therefore, let's not lose hope and bid adieu to 2020 like the true warriors we are. 

This was not our year

We lost people near and dear,

Yet we fought and won like warriors

So, hold on to your hopes and tighten your gears

Here's wishing everyone a very

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Adios 2020! 💓

A State Of Euphoria: Time To Heal!

 Hi everyone! What's up? How are you all doing? Welcome back to my little world. It has been more than a year since I wrote anything here. The last blog that I wrote was quite heavy and indicated a fresh start. That's what I have been doing since then. I took the time to work, heal myself, and find myself all over again. ❤

Well, obviously it was not unicorns and rainbows all the time. In fact, the majority of this phase was quite rough and patchy. The road was bumpy. It was very difficult but not impossible. After what it seems like more than a year, several bumpy rides, several happy moments later, I can proudly say that I am doing better than ever. Am I completely healed? No! Am I happy with myself? Yes, and I am constantly thriving to become a better version. Now, coming back to this post. Did you read the title? A state of "Euphoria'! Well, yes the name is inspired by one of my favorite songs "Euphoria" sang by Jungkook from BTS. ❤

This year has been crazy, right? It changed our lives most unexpectedly. I'll be lying if I say that the situation did not take a toll on me. It did, it drained the living hell out of my soul. Being stuck at home every day makes me feel sick and unproductive. I cannot get any work done if I am unmotivated. But, I constantly pushed myself to make the best of it. Some days I just kept lazing around and some days I went too harsh on myself. But, after struggling for months I'm at a point where I am doing better. I have never felt so much peace in my life before. I don't depend on others for being happy or expect anything from anyone. I have learned to love myself, prioritize myself, and be responsible for my own happiness. 💗

Happiness is a choice and I ain't giving that right to anyone. There was a time when I used to be extremely uncomfortable with myself. Now, I feel the most comfortable with myself. I like spending time with myself and caring for myself. Simple things like watching the sunrise/sunset, moon, the night sky, spending time with my cousins, cuddling with my cats, chatting with my friends, working, listening to music, etc make me happy. This year really gave me the time to reflect, contemplate, and make some major life decisions. I gave up something I didn't like doing and started investing myself in doing things I love. 💗💗

With all that being said, I also learned a few lessons this year. The first one is how important it is to be comfortable with ourselves, being independent, emotionally stable, and also you need to know how to control your emotions. Trust me guys, if you know how to love yourselves, care for yourselves, and pay  attentionto the little things, you need nobody to become happy. Be carefree, not careless, cherish the moment while preparing for a better future, don't be too harsh on yourselves, do something you love, don't give up on your dreams, keep fighting. Remember, you have got one life and you need to make the best of it. Do not think about surviving, live! Let us wrap this up in the classic Airene style:

Life's kinda blurry,
everything seems a little scary
but don't you worry,
cuz, they will send us the fairy
to help us heal and take the ferry

to a better prairie

where euphoria will dawn upon us and

Christmas will again be merry! 

Stay Safe, Stay Healthy! ❤

Disclaimer: All pictures are shot and edited by me. Kindly do not use it elsewhere! 

Set Of A New Dawn!

Hey everyone! Umm, I don't know how to start, but it has been a long time. It has been months since I last wrote. Let alone write; I almost disappeared from the blogging world. A lot has changed in these few months. I think I gave the same intro in my last post as well. But, this time, the changes were catastrophic. I, never in my life imagined I could go through something like this. Well, to be precise, my life turned upside down this year. It changed overnight. If you know me or follow me on social media, then you definitely know I got a job this year. Yes, I'm super grateful for that, and that is a good change.

You must be wondering if everything is okay, then what do I mean by "catastrophic changes."? Well, if you know me somehow, then you also know I had a long-term relationship with a very special person. He was a part of my life for eleven years. Okay, how do I say this? We broke up. Yes, we are not together anymore. No, I don't have any hard feelings for him, and I wish him all the very best in his life. However, the whole breakup experience was quite traumatic for me. I never imagined it would happen, but the universe had other plans, and it happened.

Nevertheless, I have some wonderful people in my life who held my hand and helped me through this whole process. I may sound like a whining teenager to you but trust me it's hard. I am 22, and I had my entire life figured out, and then everything came crashing down, which shattered my heart.

Some of you might also want to know how am I now? I am trying to put my broken pieces together and just live my life. I don't want to think about the past or future. I want to feel each moment I am living because you never know if you'd get the chance to experience it again. The two things I am trying to learn are self-love and prioritising myself over anyone else. I can proudly say now "I choose to make myself happy, and I won't feel guilty about it."

So, that was it. The major life update I had to give, or you can say I'm giving myself a closure with this post. I don't have any idea what I wrote and if anything made any sense at all. What am I hoping for now?

Well,

Walking through the lawn,

 Looked back at the life I've drawn,

I smiled, a little withdrawn

Walked ahead towards the 

Set Of a New Dawn!

My beautiful brother! 😢

Hey everyone, it's been a long, long time again. A lot has changed in the last few months. You might think what made me write again? Well, recently I lost my very dear pet cat whom I loved and cared like my little brother. Ever since life has been super hard for me. I could not sleep, eat, or do anything.  So, I thought the perfect goodbye is to write him an open letter that would stay on the internet forever.

Dear Gogo,
           

               It was exactly 4:00 am when we heard a kitten meowing out of nowhere. We thought one of our existing kittens was playing so we went back to sleep. But, the meowing continued to get louder. At this point, we were a little worried. Dad woke up and opened the door only to find a little frightened kitten pacing around. The moment we saw you, we fell in love with you and took you in our arms. I embraced you as an early birthday gift since you graced our lives fifteen days before my 21st birthday. We officially welcomed you in our lives on 13th July 2018, 4:30 am IST. My mom named you Gogo.

 You filled our lives with so much joy and emotions. I took you as my baby brother and you became a part of me. You started growing into a naughty little cat. You ruffled everyone with your naughtiness but captured everyone's heart with cuteness. So, no one could ever be angry with you. The only person who annoyed you was me because I am your elder sister and I had every right to do so. I cuddled you so much in that you were fed up with me but I know you loved me equally. We had so much fun together. You became such an important part of my life that I had to begin my day by cuddling you. It was impossible for me to do anything without seeing you at least once. No matter where you went you would come back home.

 Everything was going great. I was so happy, everyone was happy until 10 months later on 8th June 2019 you went missing. You disappeared into thin air. There was no trace of you. You were nowhere to be found. Everyone searched for you crazily. I am typing this on 16th June 2019. It has been 8 days you haven't been home.

 We all are still searching for you. After you went, I fell apart. I lost my appetite, sleep and the will to do anything. Every time I would try to eat or go to sleep, your face would float in front of me. Remember those endless photo sessions and video shoots? Well, those are my hope now. I could see those innocent eyes looking at me. I start crying randomly throughout the day. Nights mean wet pillows. I would still stare outside waiting for you to come back. I see our other cats playing but you are not there. You are special, you are my baby brother. 

I promise I will pull myself up but I will keep waiting for you. If we don't meet in my lifetime, I will definitely meet you on the other side. I just want you to know that I love you. I love you so much I could not even imagine to put it into words. I miss you every second. Life is so tough without you. Stay safe and happy wherever you are. We will not stop waiting for you. You are a part of me that won't be replaced ever by anyone. I love you and I miss you. 

                                                                                                                           Your Annoying Sister,

                                                                                                                                    Airene!