Hey! We meet again. It has been a while, right? My hands started shivering, I felt numb, I started sweating and my heart started racing. It became so hard to breathe. It was so painful. You know I cried today and I don't even know the reason why. I didn't want to cry. I cried after a while. Everything stopped and became blurry for some time.
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Ahh well! I thought I was doing fine, I thought I was thriving. Honestly, I was! Everything seemed ok and out of nowhere, you came today. Why? What was the reason for giving me this pain? Lol, it's foolish of me to even ask this now. If there was an answer to this then I guess I would have found out long ago. You know I can live without you. I can live happily without you and I would prefer that. But now that you're a part of me, I cannot help but accept you and fight with you for the peace of my mind. It started back in school right? When I was in kindergarten and I cried because my colour crossed the black border of that doll on the artbook? Or did it start when I came 5th and cried because I didn't top? Or was it when I was nervous at my viva exams? This just became a thing. Little did little me know back then that this particular feeling will stay with me forever and this is what we call anxiety. Little did teen me know that her nervousness for the maths exam was way more than just nervousness. Little did she know that she would also become a victim of depression. Little did she know that the cocktail of anxiety and depression is not great. She fell victim to all these without having any knowledge of what was happening. Nobody told me what to do, nobody guided me, nobody saw the real thing behind the facade that I wore. I mastered the art of fake smiling at a young age and everyone assumed I'm a very happy little girl. Well, the sleeves of my school uniform covered multiple scars. Scars of me punishing myself, scars of me trying to get some relief from the mental pain, scars of feeling satisfied to see the blood ooze out. Behind that smile hid numerous attempts when she decided to end her life and when she started living on sleeping pills. But, nothing killed me.
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You tried so hard. You tried so bad to kill me, end me, finish me, drain me. Well, you kinda drained me and I got exhausted with the fight. I gave up almost until one fine day I lost everything a person could lose. I lost the only dream I had left, I lost all my hopes of life. That was the day you snatched away a lot but that was also the day when Airene became fearless. She was no longer the scared little girl. Do you know why? Because she has nothing more to lose now. When a woman has nothing left to lose, she becomes fearless and a fearless woman can overcome anything and everything. So, try hard, stay with me and watch me fight you like a queen. I'm alone but I'm not afraid. I'm independent, fearless and someone who doesn't deserve this pain. I am like a phoenix who only rises stronger from her ashes.
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Anxiety, you are not likely to part ways with me and so I accept you as a part of me. But, I won't let you win. This time, it's me who's in charge and even though you can trigger the worst of my emotions, making it painful for me to breathe or do anything, I'll pause and let it sway over to the other end. I'll pause and take a break. But I won't let you win. This is my life and I'm in control. If I've come so far, overcoming so much then I can do it for the rest of my life too.
~Airene
The pain you have gone through and every human living with anxiety goes through is so well reflected from this piece, so beautifully written. More power to you💜💜💜💜
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! Means a lot 💜🥲
DeleteOh often more than often, I have listened to songs to draw out the noise. Yet each day, it's here. Playing like the old siren song of some old world god's. Like a paradox, I say— "Anxiety won't leave me, but I'll leave anxiety someday!"
ReplyDeleteSo, whenever it's trigger'o clock, I say: "Hello Anxiety, My Old Friend!"
It takes a lot of grit to show your vulnerable side. Just know that you are not alone in this.I had similar attacks and was taking medication for a few months.Even then the condition deteriorated.I just had one lingering thought that "I cannot die in vain".This thought kept me going for a year.I was living like a mannequin with no emotions.Even after being a meritorious person, I did not have the urge to do anything.I kept thinking I could do a better job but couldn't get myself to do anything.I didn't have any friends cause I am an introvert. Didn't even want to bother my parents because they had great expectations from me.I lived in a room alone locked with my intrusive thoughts trying to figure out the possibilities of escaping.I found a friend after 1 year of facing these tantrums alone.I haven't yet told him about these issues, but with his help I am able to distract myself for a little while.I feel I can finally see the flickering light at the end of the tunnel.I haven't yet reached there but now I have begun to fight back. I am sorry for posting this in your blog cause I just don't want people to know what I am dealing with.
ReplyDeleteI hope my comment helps you in your tussle with anxiety
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