Things got worse when my grades started dropping. I was a good student and this dip in grades was something I couldn't accept.
I became an average student (neither good at academics nor at co-curricular activities).
The only escape I had was writing!
I started hating myself and wish I was dead. I tried attempting suicide numerous times (this is the first time I am saying this out loud). I was desperate.
Then I got into a relationship and became emotionally dependent on that relationship. But, that relationship could not make me love myself. It made things worse. I hated every aspect of being alive. I hated the way I looked, the way I talked and how I was failing at everything.
Soon, we grew up, became adults, and started living our own lives. Well, my life still revolved around that relationship.
My life revolved around my partner and I didn't have any individuality or space. I didn't realize how toxic it got. That was my only purpose of living (or so I thought). I fought with everyone for him. My friends turned against me, the people I thought to be my closest betrayed me.
I thought "it doesn't matter, as long as he loves me, I'll live" Do you know what's the biggest irony of life?
I got cheated on by him after dating for almost a decade! Ha-ha! Cheating is a deal-breaker for me in any relationship!
When I care for someone, I'll go to extreme heights for that person but once you betray me, I'll not look back at you ever again!
I walked out of that relationship (turns out he already walked out of it before, I just ended it officially). That was the best decision of my life.
I thought I'll die without him. You know what he said, when I asked him why he did this?
He said "I thought you'd kill yourself so I couldn't tell you anything".
I answered "No matter what I do, I won't kill myself for you" . I still wanted to be in touch with him because whom am I kidding? I loved him but at that moment I chose me.
For the first time, I chose myself and never looked back.
I became numb, I felt nothing that day. The trauma hit me so hard that I didn't know how to react.
The only people that stood by me during those days were my parents and my best friends.
I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have them.
I started having serious episodes again and he would text me out of nowhere to blame me and say how I destroyed his life.
Yes, I made mistakes too. I always say that I'm a great friend but a terrible girlfriend! I am too clingy and love being with my partner. Maybe that'll change with time.
For the time being, I'm not ready to go for any commitment. Or maybe I did not find the right person yet, time will tell! One thing that I pride on is my loyalty. I stayed loyal till the end and I'd always stay loyal to near and dear ones.
I thought my adventures ended here. Oh how wrong was I! The breakup broke me, traumatized me, destroyed my mental health. But, this was just the beginning!
I used to act numb and cold. It took me a while but eventually I got better.
What stayed was my depression, my anxiety! I tried seeking help but the therapist I consulted online advised me "move on, there's nothing you could do about it."
I never sought any professional help after that. I had my friends and they're the best things that happened to me ever.
Two years later, on December 2021, I got diagnosed with brain tumor! I was finally at a turning point in my career.
Everything just fell apart in a jiffy. I had to go for surgery and now I'm on a break.
With this, my depression became much more brutal. I cannot even begin to say how helpless I feel. I am not used to living like this.
This is just an example of what I went through or what I'm going through.
Yes I know I'm privileged. But that doesn't mean I don't feel pain. If you never suffered from any mental health illness, I pray you never have to but that doesn't give you the liberty to discard what other people's feelings.
It's highly insensitive to compare your pain with others. It's completely okay to grieve and it's normal to feel how you're feeling.
Don't say things like "you're privileged", "people have it worse", "it's all in your mind", etc.
Mental health issues are very much real and they can destroy us. The person sitting next to you in the bus might be having an anxiety attack and you'll be completely oblivious to it.
My depression gave me insomnia, health issues and a ton of other problems as gifts.
I've had people tell me the most insensitive things and say how lucky I'm.
Bro, I might be the richest girl in the universe and still suffer from depression.
We all have pain and we all have the right to grieve. No one's walking in our shoes and no one will understand the pain we are going through. If we can't compare the good things, why compare the pain? It's difficult and it's different for every people out there.
Let them grieve in peace. That's how they heal and that's how they learn. Instead of saying things like forget, move on, try being by their sides, try being a good listener and try helping them recover.
People going through this are not looking for advice but are looking for a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold and seeking the familiar warmth which they no longer will be able to get. Try feeling the gap, try making them feel less lonely. If you cannot do this, do nothing. Just walk away.
