It's Been A While!

 It has been a while, you guys. I have been thinking about this blog a lot lately. I kept thinking about why I started this blog and what I wanted to convey. I also kept wondering about various ways to grow this blog.💓

However, I kept coming across a saying recently that goes something along the lines "I blog for young girls who wants to feel seen and heard". Unfortunately, I did not save the whole thing and I cannot find the exact lines. 

This kept me awake for a few nights. I started this blog to write my heart out and share the most vulnerable sides of me, the sides that make me question life, the sides that nobody has seen.  I never started this blog with the intention to grow. 

While growing up, I did not have anybody to look up to or any adult to have a conversation with whom they will understand my perspective. I want to become that adult for you. Even if this reaches one of you and if you are struggling with life, know that I am here to hear you out. 

I won't judge you based on your age or problems. It might seem something tiny to someone older than you but if it's bothering you so much, then I am sure it is a huge problem. 

I have friends who are younger than me and they often reach out to me with questions or advice or just to have a general discussion. I want to create that safe space for the beautiful, young people out there. You can say whatever you want here. I will listen. You know why?

Because I wanted someone to listen to me too. I wanted someone to be there beside me while I was struggling without judging or lecturing me on how others have it worse. 

I am no professional and I am not a perfect human being. I won't give you therapy sessions but I want to be a friend. A friend you can trust, you can confide in. 

Am I the happiest person now? Hell No! I am far away from being happy. I just know how to deal with these feelings and how to not let them get to me. 

Also, I cling on to hope for dear life. No matter what, I do not give up hope, ever! That's what I wanted to say to ya'll. 

I will try my best to post frequently on this blog. Meanwhile, if you have any questions or if you want me to write on any particular topic, leave them in the comments. 

Just in case, you want to share something without revealing your identity, something that's bothering you a lot, use this form 💜

Life Happens! Shit Happens! We Live On! 💖

The more I speak, write and read about mental health, the more I realize how stigmatized it still is. The taboo around mental health is real. Many people still have no clue how serious it can be. The insensitive comments they make towards the mental health posts and issues can affect many people and everyone has their own struggles. 

I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety in my teenage years! 

Things got worse when my grades started dropping. I was a good student and this dip in grades was something I couldn't accept.

I became an average student (neither good at academics nor at co-curricular activities). 

The only escape I had was writing!

I started hating myself and wish I was dead. I tried attempting suicide numerous times (this is the first time I am saying this out loud). I was desperate. 

Then I got into a relationship and became emotionally dependent on that relationship. But, that relationship could not make me love myself. It made things worse. I hated every aspect of being alive. I hated the way I looked, the way I talked and how I was failing at everything. 

Soon, we grew up, became adults, and started living our own lives. Well, my life still revolved around that relationship.

My life revolved around my partner and I didn't have any individuality or space. I didn't realize how toxic it got. That was my only purpose of living (or so I thought). I fought with everyone for him. My friends turned against me, the people I thought to be my closest betrayed me. 

I thought "it doesn't matter, as long as he loves me, I'll live" Do you know what's the biggest irony of life?

I got cheated on by him after dating for almost a decade! Ha-ha! Cheating is a deal-breaker for me in any relationship! 

When I care for someone, I'll go to extreme heights for that person but once you betray me, I'll not look back at you ever again! 

I walked out of that relationship (turns out he already walked out of it before, I just ended it officially). That was the best decision of my life. 

I thought I'll die without him. You know what he said, when I asked him why he did this?

He said "I thought you'd kill yourself so I couldn't tell you anything". 

I answered "No matter what I do, I won't kill myself for you" . I still wanted to be in touch with him because whom am I kidding? I loved him but at that moment I chose me. 

For the first time, I chose myself and never looked back. 

I became numb, I felt nothing that day. The trauma hit me so hard that I didn't know how to react. 

The only people that stood by me during those days were my parents and my best friends. 

I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have them. 

I started having serious episodes again and he would text me out of nowhere to blame me and say how I destroyed his life. 

Yes, I made mistakes too. I always say that I'm a great friend but a terrible girlfriend! I am too clingy and love being with my partner. Maybe that'll change with time. 

For the time being, I'm not ready to go for any commitment. Or maybe I did not find the right person yet, time will tell! One thing that I pride on is my loyalty. I stayed loyal till the end and I'd always stay loyal to near and dear ones. 

I thought my adventures ended here. Oh how wrong was I! The breakup broke me, traumatized me, destroyed my mental health. But, this was just the beginning! 

I used to act numb and cold. It took me a while but eventually I got better. 

What stayed was my depression, my anxiety! I tried seeking help but the therapist I consulted online advised me "move on, there's nothing you could do about it." 

I never sought any professional help after that. I had my friends and they're the best things that happened to me ever. 

Two years later, on December 2021, I got diagnosed with brain tumor! I was finally at a turning point in my career. 

Everything just fell apart in a jiffy. I had to go for surgery and now I'm on a break. 

With this, my depression became much more brutal. I cannot even begin to say how helpless I feel. I am not used to living like this. 

This is just an example of what I went through or what I'm going through. 

Yes I know I'm privileged. But that doesn't mean I don't feel pain. If you never suffered from any mental health illness, I pray you never have to but that doesn't give you the liberty to discard what other people's feelings.

It's highly insensitive to compare your pain with others. It's completely okay to grieve and it's normal to feel how you're feeling. 

Don't say things like "you're privileged", "people have it worse", "it's all in your mind", etc. 

Mental health issues are very much real and they can destroy us. The person sitting next to you in the bus might be having an anxiety attack and you'll be completely oblivious to it. 

My depression gave me insomnia, health issues and a ton of other problems as gifts. 

I've had people tell me the most insensitive things and say how lucky I'm. 

Bro, I might be the richest girl in the universe and still suffer from depression.

We all have pain and we all have the right to grieve. No one's walking in our shoes and no one will understand the pain we are going through. If we can't compare the good things, why compare the pain? It's difficult and it's different for every people out there. 

Let them grieve in peace. That's how they heal and that's how they learn. Instead of saying things like forget, move on, try being by their sides, try being a good listener and try helping them recover.

People going through this are not looking for advice but are looking for a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold and seeking the familiar warmth which they no longer will be able to get. Try feeling the gap, try making them feel less lonely. If you cannot do this, do nothing. Just walk away.

Image Credits: Pexels/Pixabay

The Lost Journey ❤️

 "Hi, It has been such a long time," You said hugging your best friend whom you're meeting after almost two years. 

You guys have always been in touch via text and call but your busy schedules and the current situation has kept you apart for so long. 

"Ahhh, my monkey. Now that I can chew your brain face to face, I feel alive. Life's so boring without you."

You guys laughed and headed inside the restaurant. She's pursuing her master's and you've got a full-time job. 

Both of your schedules are so jam-packed that seeing each other has become almost impossible. But, that hasn't created any difference between you. You're still the same. 

"So, how's everything going?" You asked. 

"Hahahaha! As if you already don't know" She replied. 

"I know, but I cannot believe I'm seeing you after almost two years. Remember during college? We used to hang out every other day even though our colleges were separate" You said. 

"Yeah, we were a happy mess back then" She replied with a sigh. 

"Aren't you happy now?" You asked, taken aback.

"Are you?" She asked you back with a grin. 

"Ahh well, according to people's opinion I earn a decent living, I'm independent and I've friends so I don't have any pain in life. My life is perfect. Happy as ever" You replied. 

"You can pretend in front of the whole world you asshole, but you cannot pretend in front of me. And pain? You don't have pain? I've seen you through everything. The act you put on with that sweet smile can steal millions of hearts but they cannot handle the rawness inside your heart". She replied almost teary-eyed.

"You've not only seen me but you've been with me through everything. You've seen me in days when staying alive wasn't an option for me anymore but you pulled me through it. Bro, you kinda saved my life. And I know you're not happy. Even though this is your dream, you're still not happy. We've been together forever and we've seen each other through everything. " You said

"People also say me that I'm pursuing my masters now, I've rich parents and next I'll pursue P.hd. My life is sorted. I'm the happiest girl in the world. I mean yes I'm lucky and blessed but does that also mean I'm happy? I mean just because my parents work hard and I'm pursuing higher studies means I cannot have any pain in life" She said. 

"People! People are entitled to have an opinion. I know everyone out there is struggling with their own problems but that doesn't give them the right to totally disregard the problem of other people. If you can't respect another individual's feelings, keep your damn mouth shut. Don't disrespect like that. Only if they've seen you like I did and only if they understood what you went through. You're such an inspiration girl and I'm not saying this because you're my best friend. But, I'm saying this because I mean it. " You said with a mellow smile. 

"I can say the same thing to you. I still remember that day when you called me and was like everything is over. I swear babe, I was scared for my life. I thought you'll do something stupid but you're way stronger than that and I'm so proud of you asshole. You're one heck of a strong woman. See the person you've become today. Be proud of yourself" She said. 

"Well, then you should be proud of yourself too and yes I like the way I've turned out to be. I'm still working on myself. But, there are times when I feel too empty, lonely, and heavy at the same time. There's this pain that doesn't go away and makes me feel so many things yet I feel nothing. So many thoughts swarm across my head but again I cannot think anything. I don't know how's that possible. Umm, to put it into short my heart feels heavy, my head feels empty. I don't know how to describe this feeling. " You explained taking a sip of your wine. 

"Hmm, I understand. Given your personality, you don't even open up to anyone or share how you're feeling with anybody else so you just keep it to yourself and feel even more down. I'm sorry I've not been there as much as I should have. I'm really sorry" She said, a tear rolled down from her cheeks. 

"Aye, don't be sorry. I couldn't be there for you as well. We were busy and judging how much of a nerd you've become with all these syllabus and books, I wouldn't have bothered you either like you didn't tell me you weren't happy." You said smiling. 

"Classic you! You'll never change. Well, I feel empty too and I cannot trust people. In fact, the amount of times we've been backstabbed, it's better for us not to trust people. I just have you and am glad for that. Please promise to reach out to me whenever you feel down" 

"I will only if you promise to do the same". You being the classic you cracked a deal. 

"Deal" she replied

"When did we grow up so much and why did we get so lost? This wasn't our plan. Our 20s weren't supposed to be like this" She asked you. 

"Hmm, aren't we all lost and broken?" You said. 

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Characters, businesses, events, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual events are purely coincidental.

2020: It's a wrap!

Hey everyone, how are you all doing? It's New Year’s Eve. 2020 has finally come to an end now. Woah! What a crazy year it has been. From forest fires to the deadly pandemic to a destructive cyclone- we have seen it all this year. We have also lost a lot of people this year- from loved ones to legends. It has not been an easy year at all. So, I wanted to publish a post to bid adieu to 2020 and wrap things up. My last post was about self-healing and hope. Things might get a little awry in this one so please bear with me and remember at the end of everything, there's still hope. ❤

 

Well, personally for me 2020 did not begin on a great note. I had to go through something that was very draining emotionally. I would not get over it ever. But, the show must go on and I could not give up on life. So, I continued to push myself and live. What I taught was living was barely surviving. I kept on working and working to distract myself. I did not sleep at all. All I did was work. I barely ate anything. I did not take care of myself. I overworked to the point that it drained me. Then I lost a family member who was very special to me. I did not speak about it, and I would like not too, since words cannot express what I felt. 

Life came to a standstill. I used work as an excuse to distract myself everything that was happening. Things got overwhelming. So, at the end of October, I decided it was too much and I need to slow down. I need to face my feelings, my emotions and stop running away from it. So, I took a break from everything and started facing a bunch of emotions that were being piled on. It was a lot. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. It became hard for me to breathe. I lost interest in everything. I stopped talking to everyone and went on a hiatus. My health started deteriorating, my mental health went haywire and I had a major burnout. I am still sick but I am glad I had that burnout. It is still not easy but I am doing much better. 

One good thing that happened is that I became extremely comfortable being by myself and doing things alone. It also helped me get rid of a lot of toxicity and negativity. Although, I am not at my absolute best I want to start the New Year on a good note. So, I pulled myself out of bed, got a little dressed up, brushed my hair, cleansed and moisturized my face, applied some tint and turned on my computer. I know it's TMI but for people like us, even the little chores like these can take a lot of efforts. Therefore, let's not lose hope and bid adieu to 2020 like the true warriors we are. 

This was not our year

We lost people near and dear,

Yet we fought and won like warriors

So, hold on to your hopes and tighten your gears

Here's wishing everyone a very

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Adios 2020! 💓

A State Of Euphoria: Time To Heal!

 Hi everyone! What's up? How are you all doing? Welcome back to my little world. It has been more than a year since I wrote anything here. The last blog that I wrote was quite heavy and indicated a fresh start. That's what I have been doing since then. I took the time to work, heal myself, and find myself all over again. ❤

Well, obviously it was not unicorns and rainbows all the time. In fact, the majority of this phase was quite rough and patchy. The road was bumpy. It was very difficult but not impossible. After what it seems like more than a year, several bumpy rides, several happy moments later, I can proudly say that I am doing better than ever. Am I completely healed? No! Am I happy with myself? Yes, and I am constantly thriving to become a better version. Now, coming back to this post. Did you read the title? A state of "Euphoria'! Well, yes the name is inspired by one of my favorite songs "Euphoria" sang by Jungkook from BTS. ❤

This year has been crazy, right? It changed our lives most unexpectedly. I'll be lying if I say that the situation did not take a toll on me. It did, it drained the living hell out of my soul. Being stuck at home every day makes me feel sick and unproductive. I cannot get any work done if I am unmotivated. But, I constantly pushed myself to make the best of it. Some days I just kept lazing around and some days I went too harsh on myself. But, after struggling for months I'm at a point where I am doing better. I have never felt so much peace in my life before. I don't depend on others for being happy or expect anything from anyone. I have learned to love myself, prioritize myself, and be responsible for my own happiness. 💗

Happiness is a choice and I ain't giving that right to anyone. There was a time when I used to be extremely uncomfortable with myself. Now, I feel the most comfortable with myself. I like spending time with myself and caring for myself. Simple things like watching the sunrise/sunset, moon, the night sky, spending time with my cousins, cuddling with my cats, chatting with my friends, working, listening to music, etc make me happy. This year really gave me the time to reflect, contemplate, and make some major life decisions. I gave up something I didn't like doing and started investing myself in doing things I love. 💗💗

With all that being said, I also learned a few lessons this year. The first one is how important it is to be comfortable with ourselves, being independent, emotionally stable, and also you need to know how to control your emotions. Trust me guys, if you know how to love yourselves, care for yourselves, and pay  attentionto the little things, you need nobody to become happy. Be carefree, not careless, cherish the moment while preparing for a better future, don't be too harsh on yourselves, do something you love, don't give up on your dreams, keep fighting. Remember, you have got one life and you need to make the best of it. Do not think about surviving, live! Let us wrap this up in the classic Airene style:

Life's kinda blurry,
everything seems a little scary
but don't you worry,
cuz, they will send us the fairy
to help us heal and take the ferry

to a better prairie

where euphoria will dawn upon us and

Christmas will again be merry! 

Stay Safe, Stay Healthy! ❤

Disclaimer: All pictures are shot and edited by me. Kindly do not use it elsewhere!