Dear Anxiety!

 Hey! We meet again. It has been a while, right? My hands started shivering, I felt numb, I started sweating and my heart started racing. It became so hard to breathe. It was so painful. You know I cried today and I don't even know the reason why. I didn't want to cry. I cried after a while. Everything stopped and became blurry for some time. 

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Ahh well! I thought I was doing fine, I thought I was thriving. Honestly, I was! Everything seemed ok and out of nowhere, you came today. Why? What was the reason for giving me this pain? Lol, it's foolish of me to even ask this now. If there was an answer to this then I guess I would have found out long ago. You know I can live without you. I can live happily without you and I would prefer that. But now that you're a part of me, I cannot help but accept you and fight with you for the peace of my mind. It started back in school right? When I was in kindergarten and I cried because my colour crossed the black border of that doll on the artbook? Or did it start when I came 5th and cried because I didn't top? Or was it when I was nervous at my viva exams? This just became a thing. Little did little me know back then that this particular feeling will stay with me forever and this is what we call anxiety. Little did teen me know that her nervousness for the maths exam was way more than just nervousness. Little did she know that she would also become a victim of depression. Little did she know that the cocktail of anxiety and depression is not great. She fell victim to all these without having any knowledge of what was happening. Nobody told me what to do, nobody guided me, nobody saw the real thing behind the facade that I wore. I mastered the art of fake smiling at a young age and everyone assumed I'm a very happy little girl. Well, the sleeves of my school uniform covered multiple scars. Scars of me punishing myself, scars of me trying to get some relief from the mental pain, scars of feeling satisfied to see the blood ooze out. Behind that smile hid numerous attempts when she decided to end her life and when she started living on sleeping pills. But, nothing killed me. 

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You tried so hard. You tried so bad to kill me, end me, finish me, drain me. Well, you kinda drained me and I got exhausted with the fight. I gave up almost until one fine day I lost everything a person could lose. I lost the only dream I had left, I lost all my hopes of life. That was the day you snatched away a lot but that was also the day when Airene became fearless. She was no longer the scared little girl. Do you know why? Because she has nothing more to lose now. When a woman has nothing left to lose, she becomes fearless and a fearless woman can overcome anything and everything. So, try hard, stay with me and watch me fight you like a queen. I'm alone but I'm not afraid. I'm independent, fearless and someone who doesn't deserve this pain. I am like a phoenix who only rises stronger from her ashes. 

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Anxiety, you are not likely to part ways with me and so I accept you as a part of me. But, I won't let you win. This time, it's me who's in charge and even though you can trigger the worst of my emotions, making it painful for me to breathe or do anything, I'll pause and let it sway over to the other end. I'll pause and take a break. But I won't let you win. This is my life and I'm in control. If I've come so far, overcoming so much then I can do it for the rest of my life too. 

                                                                ~Airene

                                         

                               

2020: It's a wrap!

Hey everyone, how are you all doing? It's New Year’s Eve. 2020 has finally come to an end now. Woah! What a crazy year it has been. From forest fires to the deadly pandemic to a destructive cyclone- we have seen it all this year. We have also lost a lot of people this year- from loved ones to legends. It has not been an easy year at all. So, I wanted to publish a post to bid adieu to 2020 and wrap things up. My last post was about self-healing and hope. Things might get a little awry in this one so please bear with me and remember at the end of everything, there's still hope. ❤

 

Well, personally for me 2020 did not begin on a great note. I had to go through something that was very draining emotionally. I would not get over it ever. But, the show must go on and I could not give up on life. So, I continued to push myself and live. What I taught was living was barely surviving. I kept on working and working to distract myself. I did not sleep at all. All I did was work. I barely ate anything. I did not take care of myself. I overworked to the point that it drained me. Then I lost a family member who was very special to me. I did not speak about it, and I would like not too, since words cannot express what I felt. 

Life came to a standstill. I used work as an excuse to distract myself everything that was happening. Things got overwhelming. So, at the end of October, I decided it was too much and I need to slow down. I need to face my feelings, my emotions and stop running away from it. So, I took a break from everything and started facing a bunch of emotions that were being piled on. It was a lot. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. It became hard for me to breathe. I lost interest in everything. I stopped talking to everyone and went on a hiatus. My health started deteriorating, my mental health went haywire and I had a major burnout. I am still sick but I am glad I had that burnout. It is still not easy but I am doing much better. 

One good thing that happened is that I became extremely comfortable being by myself and doing things alone. It also helped me get rid of a lot of toxicity and negativity. Although, I am not at my absolute best I want to start the New Year on a good note. So, I pulled myself out of bed, got a little dressed up, brushed my hair, cleansed and moisturized my face, applied some tint and turned on my computer. I know it's TMI but for people like us, even the little chores like these can take a lot of efforts. Therefore, let's not lose hope and bid adieu to 2020 like the true warriors we are. 

This was not our year

We lost people near and dear,

Yet we fought and won like warriors

So, hold on to your hopes and tighten your gears

Here's wishing everyone a very

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Adios 2020! 💓

Set Of A New Dawn!

Hey everyone! Umm, I don't know how to start, but it has been a long time. It has been months since I last wrote. Let alone write; I almost disappeared from the blogging world. A lot has changed in these few months. I think I gave the same intro in my last post as well. But, this time, the changes were catastrophic. I, never in my life imagined I could go through something like this. Well, to be precise, my life turned upside down this year. It changed overnight. If you know me or follow me on social media, then you definitely know I got a job this year. Yes, I'm super grateful for that, and that is a good change.

You must be wondering if everything is okay, then what do I mean by "catastrophic changes."? Well, if you know me somehow, then you also know I had a long-term relationship with a very special person. He was a part of my life for eleven years. Okay, how do I say this? We broke up. Yes, we are not together anymore. No, I don't have any hard feelings for him, and I wish him all the very best in his life. However, the whole breakup experience was quite traumatic for me. I never imagined it would happen, but the universe had other plans, and it happened.

Nevertheless, I have some wonderful people in my life who held my hand and helped me through this whole process. I may sound like a whining teenager to you but trust me it's hard. I am 22, and I had my entire life figured out, and then everything came crashing down, which shattered my heart.

Some of you might also want to know how am I now? I am trying to put my broken pieces together and just live my life. I don't want to think about the past or future. I want to feel each moment I am living because you never know if you'd get the chance to experience it again. The two things I am trying to learn are self-love and prioritising myself over anyone else. I can proudly say now "I choose to make myself happy, and I won't feel guilty about it."

So, that was it. The major life update I had to give, or you can say I'm giving myself a closure with this post. I don't have any idea what I wrote and if anything made any sense at all. What am I hoping for now?

Well,

Walking through the lawn,

 Looked back at the life I've drawn,

I smiled, a little withdrawn

Walked ahead towards the 

Set Of a New Dawn!

A Piece From My Heart To Yours!

Hey beautiful people, what's up? I haven't written a blog in a while now. Actually, I've been MIA from everywhere for quite some time. I created this blog to share my feelings and thoughts with you. This is a personal space for me. Journaling my thoughts is a habit that developed over the years. It helped me get through some difficult phases. I never really spoke out about my depression or anxiety before. The first time I spoke out about it was on this blog only where I wrote A Letter To My Younger Self. Now, the reason why I've been absent from everywhere is that I'm going through a very difficult phase in my life.

First, let me be very clear. I'm not writing this to gain any form of sympathy. If this helps you in any way then that's great. So, here goes my story.

So, something happened that broke my confidence terribly. Even though, I know I don't deserve what I got but still I got it. This is the reason it hurts so much. If I deserved what I got I'd be fine. I don't know if I'm making any sense at all but this is why it's happening. My anxiety is at the highest peak. It's this feeling that keeps haunting me and makes me think I'm good for nothing. This is a dark phase in my life and everyone goes through some dark phases.

 The one thing I know for sure is I'll come out of it. Sooner or later I'll overcome it and maybe a few years back when I look back I'll be glad that this happened. I've some amazing people who are there for me no matter what. But, this time is hard. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat, I don't feel like doing anything. But, I push myself every day to get through this and make myself understand that this is a part of life.

Being an introvert, I've very limited people whom I trust and they are well aware of what I'm going through. It feels like life is falling apart but at the same time I know I'd be able to pull it together. Whenever I feel like I'll collapse I close my eyes and think of all the good things that happened in my life. I write and listen to some soulful music. I read some good inspiring quotes. I came across this quote which says "Give yourself credit for the days you've made it when you thought you couldn't" and that's definitely something to be proud of. I'm a girl who will not give up no matter how strong the storm is or how much it brings me down. I'll fight and live through it. Some days are more terrible than other and some are hard.

So, yeah that's my story for now. Just remember one thing "Only you can help yourself and only you can fight for yourself.". You have to face it and giving up is definitely not an option. Every cloud has a silver lining.

Giving a piece from my heart to yours

Everything has a cure.

Don't stop believing

Cuz' life is worth living.

Pain is a phase

that makes you chase  

the beauty of life 

that you desperately thrive!

Goodnight People, sweet dreams!

Images from pexels.com!

Fear- Is it a blessing in disguise?

Hey guys, what's up? So, for this blog post I decided to write upon a topic which is related to every single being on this planet- fear! If you say, you don't fear anything then chances are you are lying. Now, a question which often makes me wonder is whether fear is a boon or blessing in disguise?

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Fear- What is it to you? For me it's an emotion which can take control over our lives if we let it. We have the power to keep it in control. Fear is a natural human feeling. Every human being fears one thing or the other. We all fear of losing our loved ones or things that have a sentimental value. Someone fears death while someone fears life. But, will we let fear control our lives? Absolutely not, instead we can take it in a positive way. Everything in life has two sides: positive and negative. You either see the glass as half empty or half full. I'll prefer the later. While we fear losing our loved ones we know at the same time that we'll lose some of them in our lifetime- be it a person or a pet. This prepares us mentally for that kind of situation. It makes us stronger and better. Fear of failure pushes us to work hard and follow excellence. Fear of death makes us more acceptable to it because we know one day or the other death will come to us.Some of us may fear of living alone but we may have to live alone at some point in our lives. It prepares us for that also. We should not let fear chain us up to a certain place.

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As the saying goes "Fear has two meanings- Forget Everything and Run Or Face everything and rise." The choice is yours. You can't let fear conquer you and put you inside a bubble instead you should conquer fear and break the bubble. Fear makes us brave. Also, remember "Our largest fear carries our greatest growth." You got to decide whether you want it more or you are afraid of it more."

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Don't let fear stop you from living and don't let it conquer your dreams. If you look into the eyes of fear then fear will fear you and leave. I think we all got the answer to my question that fear if taken positively then it can prove to be a powerful blessing in disguise.

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