Dear Anxiety!

 Hey! We meet again. It has been a while, right? My hands started shivering, I felt numb, I started sweating and my heart started racing. It became so hard to breathe. It was so painful. You know I cried today and I don't even know the reason why. I didn't want to cry. I cried after a while. Everything stopped and became blurry for some time. 

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Ahh well! I thought I was doing fine, I thought I was thriving. Honestly, I was! Everything seemed ok and out of nowhere, you came today. Why? What was the reason for giving me this pain? Lol, it's foolish of me to even ask this now. If there was an answer to this then I guess I would have found out long ago. You know I can live without you. I can live happily without you and I would prefer that. But now that you're a part of me, I cannot help but accept you and fight with you for the peace of my mind. It started back in school right? When I was in kindergarten and I cried because my colour crossed the black border of that doll on the artbook? Or did it start when I came 5th and cried because I didn't top? Or was it when I was nervous at my viva exams? This just became a thing. Little did little me know back then that this particular feeling will stay with me forever and this is what we call anxiety. Little did teen me know that her nervousness for the maths exam was way more than just nervousness. Little did she know that she would also become a victim of depression. Little did she know that the cocktail of anxiety and depression is not great. She fell victim to all these without having any knowledge of what was happening. Nobody told me what to do, nobody guided me, nobody saw the real thing behind the facade that I wore. I mastered the art of fake smiling at a young age and everyone assumed I'm a very happy little girl. Well, the sleeves of my school uniform covered multiple scars. Scars of me punishing myself, scars of me trying to get some relief from the mental pain, scars of feeling satisfied to see the blood ooze out. Behind that smile hid numerous attempts when she decided to end her life and when she started living on sleeping pills. But, nothing killed me. 

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You tried so hard. You tried so bad to kill me, end me, finish me, drain me. Well, you kinda drained me and I got exhausted with the fight. I gave up almost until one fine day I lost everything a person could lose. I lost the only dream I had left, I lost all my hopes of life. That was the day you snatched away a lot but that was also the day when Airene became fearless. She was no longer the scared little girl. Do you know why? Because she has nothing more to lose now. When a woman has nothing left to lose, she becomes fearless and a fearless woman can overcome anything and everything. So, try hard, stay with me and watch me fight you like a queen. I'm alone but I'm not afraid. I'm independent, fearless and someone who doesn't deserve this pain. I am like a phoenix who only rises stronger from her ashes. 

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Anxiety, you are not likely to part ways with me and so I accept you as a part of me. But, I won't let you win. This time, it's me who's in charge and even though you can trigger the worst of my emotions, making it painful for me to breathe or do anything, I'll pause and let it sway over to the other end. I'll pause and take a break. But I won't let you win. This is my life and I'm in control. If I've come so far, overcoming so much then I can do it for the rest of my life too. 

                                                                ~Airene

                                         

                               

Set Of A New Dawn!

Hey everyone! Umm, I don't know how to start, but it has been a long time. It has been months since I last wrote. Let alone write; I almost disappeared from the blogging world. A lot has changed in these few months. I think I gave the same intro in my last post as well. But, this time, the changes were catastrophic. I, never in my life imagined I could go through something like this. Well, to be precise, my life turned upside down this year. It changed overnight. If you know me or follow me on social media, then you definitely know I got a job this year. Yes, I'm super grateful for that, and that is a good change.

You must be wondering if everything is okay, then what do I mean by "catastrophic changes."? Well, if you know me somehow, then you also know I had a long-term relationship with a very special person. He was a part of my life for eleven years. Okay, how do I say this? We broke up. Yes, we are not together anymore. No, I don't have any hard feelings for him, and I wish him all the very best in his life. However, the whole breakup experience was quite traumatic for me. I never imagined it would happen, but the universe had other plans, and it happened.

Nevertheless, I have some wonderful people in my life who held my hand and helped me through this whole process. I may sound like a whining teenager to you but trust me it's hard. I am 22, and I had my entire life figured out, and then everything came crashing down, which shattered my heart.

Some of you might also want to know how am I now? I am trying to put my broken pieces together and just live my life. I don't want to think about the past or future. I want to feel each moment I am living because you never know if you'd get the chance to experience it again. The two things I am trying to learn are self-love and prioritising myself over anyone else. I can proudly say now "I choose to make myself happy, and I won't feel guilty about it."

So, that was it. The major life update I had to give, or you can say I'm giving myself a closure with this post. I don't have any idea what I wrote and if anything made any sense at all. What am I hoping for now?

Well,

Walking through the lawn,

 Looked back at the life I've drawn,

I smiled, a little withdrawn

Walked ahead towards the 

Set Of a New Dawn!

A Letter To My Younger Self.

Hey everyone, what's up. So, for my next blog post I decided to write a letter to my 16 year old self who struggled a lot with everything. I'm not writing this to gain sympathy or anything. I just thought of sharing something which I think may help a lot of young people who are struggling with some issues. This letter may come as a shock to many of my family and friends or more than shock I'd like to say surprise. It's extremely personal and close to my heart.

Pic Courtesy: Google Images.

Dear Airene,
                     Hi! How are you? Though I know the  answer to this question but still I thought this would be a good start. Life is miserable I know. You are sixteen and you are consistently failing in everything. Your grades are dropping. You are confused. Your friends are leaving and nobody understands you. You are suffering from major depression and anxiety. You can't sleep at night. You feel like ending your life and there's nothing for you to live with.

Pic Courtesy: Google Images,

Trust me, girl you are wrong. Those sleeping pills aren't gonna help you. Why are you harming yourself? The people who made you shed tears aren't worth it. Trust me, you're going to realise it a few years later. You've got your parents who I know is a little overprotective now but trust me you're the world to them. They've got no one except you. You have got an amazing boyfriend who loves you unconditionally and will be with you years from now. You've got your best friend who is willing to go against the world for you. You have got a mother like cousin who loves you like her own daughter. Don't keep things shut to yourself. Open up, talk to someone , get help. Those grades on the paper doesn't decide your value. Eventually, you'll do what you love and always wanted. You'll be happy and content in life. You have lost many people and Thank God you did. You don't need them. Learn to love yourself a little.

Pic Courtesy: Google Images.

Trust me, life's gonna be a thousand times better than what it is now. You will still struggle but you will overcome it like a boss. You'll be stronger and better. You will have people who will love you with all their life and you'll love them back. They'll accept you for who you are, what you are and how you are. You are going to be a die hard animal lover. You'll have lots of pet.

Pic Courtesy: Google Images.

So, gain lessons from these experience and start living your life. You don't want to miss out on so many awesome things. Trust me, life is short and worth giving a shot.

                                                                                                                                     Yours truly,

From a better, stronger and happier

Your  21 year old self.

Pic Courtesy: Google Images

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