A Walk In The Woods!

It all started with the eye contact we made at your agency's headquarters. I was a recruit and going through my work when suddenly my eyes landed on your face and got stuck. I could not take my eyes off your eyes which surely have a galaxy in them, they're so bright yet has a hidden pain in them. You smiled at one of the guys and my heart stopped beating. Ahh that smile, that damn smile!

I kept staring at you like a fool oblivious to my surroundings. This gazing happiness was broken by a guy who went "Hey, I need you to meet someone."

When he brought in that someone, I again lost my mind, zoned out. It was you! I didn't know how to react. Well, wasn't it obvious? I have been in love with you for years and worked my ass off the whole time just to get into your agency. Not only so that I can stay close to you, but also it would be a pretty good opportunity for my career. I made that dream come true. 

But I didn't know what to do when I saw my dream standing at an arm's length from me. He introduced you to me and you finally noticed me. There was it, our first eye contact. You smiled! Ahh, there it goes again, your angelic smile which made my heart flutter like an idiot since I first saw you when I was 19. 

Seeing that smile, those gleaming eyes, it did something to me and I don't know what was it. No, I never expect my feelings to be reciprocated but this right here, standing up close and talking, laughing with you while looking directly at your eyes is my peak happiness level. 

You are my hero, my inspiration, my savior, my life, and my whole damn world. You always have been. No, I'm not pathetic, maybe a little that seeing you makes me lose my mind but you also made me choose myself and taught me to love myself first. You encouraged me to work hard and pursue my passion. 

Well, this was the flashback that kept playing on my mind while you were talking to me. I couldn't hear a word you said but the last few lines 

"Hey, it's nice to meet you. Mind if I ask for your number? Now that we're working together, we should interact more" 

Of course not, why will I mind giving you my number? I cannot even believe this was happening! I gave you my number and you walked out from my cabin. 

I sat down with a thud, my heart still couldn't digest what happened. I just convinced myself 

"This is it and this was all you wanted okay? Do not wish for more. It won't happen. Stay in your lane." 

We got pretty close while working although I tried to maintain a barrier between us. It was hard seeing you so up close and you seemed happy or maybe it was just my overthinking but I controlled myself. 

One fine day, you just popped out of nowhere and said "Hey, let's grab dinner together. I got something to say. I'll text you the venue and time "

You left before I could even say anything. I guess we're grabbing dinner.

My phone beeped:

Dinner at xyzhesjh restaurant

Be there at 8:00.

Don't be late missy! 

I let off a little laugh and went home to get ready for dinner. It was pretty cold so I carried my faux fur overcoat that looks pretty cute with anything. 

No, I didn't dress fancy and by now you were also aware of that fact. I just put on my pair of blue denim and a white sweater! 

I reached the place 30mins earlier. It was such a pretty restaurant located near the woods and also had a beautiful sitting area in the front. 

Just then, I saw my phone ringing. It was a call that I dreaded receiving but I had to. Well, that call kinda ruined my mood and you saw that from a distance. You saw me behave like a lunatic, shed a few tears, and stand up back again. 

I didn't know that. You walked towards me and jumped "Hi! Heheheh" 

"You moron!" I screamed losing my breath because I was scared. 

You said sorry and shoved a flower bouquet in my hands. 

"Umm, just a little gift for doing your job nicely"

I said thanks and we went inside the restaurant. We talked a lot while eating. I got a little tipsy from all the alcohol but it was okay! I had a lot of fun. 

After our dinner, we came out! The environment was so beautiful. It looked magical. You asked 

"Hey, do you maybe want to take a walk in the woods?"

Oh no no no, this is exactly what I shouldn't let happen but it is. This is going in the wrong direction. But, my heart sank and I just couldn't refuse. 

We started walking in the woods. A cool breeze was blowing and messed all my hair up! I tucked the hair behind my ears and started walking again. Something pierced through my heels and it hurt. It was a piece of thorn. You wanted to help but I didn't let you. 

I pulled it out myself. I couldn't walk properly so we held hands. Ugh, this feels so wrong yet so right. We started walking until we found a big beautiful tree and sat down under it. 

"Let's sit here for some time," You said in a very soothing tone. 

No no no, what are you doing? I kept saying to myself but again my heart couldn't say no. So we sat there. 

You looked at my eyes again directly and started to stroke my head gently. 

"I saw. You don't have to explain anything" you said while hushing me and pulled me closer to your arms. 

Once again I couldn't believe this was happening but I was happy. I was there actually wrapped between your arms without any regrets. 

"You know this won't take us anywhere right? You also know that I've loved you for as long as I could remember. You also know that you're the reason I'm here?" I mumbled. 

"Hush! Stay like this. It's nice. Somethings are better left unsaid!" You said while placing a peck on my head. 

That moment felt like an eternity of happiness which I will cherish for the rest of my life even after knowing that this will reach nowhere! ❤️💜

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Characters, businesses, events, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

 

Home is Where?

Hello there, 

It's me again. In an effort to make this blog look like a more personal archive, I plan on changing the name to something that sounds a bit more me, Idk! I've a few options in mind but it would take a while to choose. I'm so exhausted lately, I don't know why. Oh, it's the weekend and it has been quite an interesting week mentally for me. This Saturday in particular was nothing special, it was just chaotic and I don't like chaos. I was about to write something but I forgot what it was.  

Oh yes, I remember now. Home!! What is home to you? I mean how do you define home? Someone said to me when I was in high school "Home is where the heart is" and that has stuck with me forever.  I made home out of someone until another person said "Don't make home out of people cuz they leave". Well, that person was right. Everyone who gave me sane advice and taught me valuable lessons left or I left or maybe we just drifted apart. Well not everyone, but the majority. I will be forever indebted to them for these lessons. 

Anyways, like I was saying. Home! I have been in search of my home for the longest time. I mean don't get me wrong, I have a great family, a great house and great friends but, well, there's a but. 

But, I haven't felt at home for a long time. How even do you feel at home? What is that feeling exactly? 

Maybe, writing about my feelings so openly isn't a good idea and maybe I should've written everything anonymously.  But, oh well, f**k it. I already have a bunch of notes on my phone that aren't ever making it anywhere. 

I don't know what home is or how it feels to be at home. 

One day maybe I'll find my home. For now, I find solace in writing, reading and confiding in Bangtan. That's right, I am an ARMY and the fangirl in me is bound to come out sooner than the later. 

I have no freaking idea if anything that I wrote above made any sense at all but I just poured my heart out. Maybe, I'll find my home someday. Maybe I'll just keep wondering and wandering. Either way, it's a beautiful life. 😍 

 

Love🥂,

A❤️💜

Hello Again 👋

Hey Readers,

It's been a long time since I have been here talking about life or just anything at all. I doubt anyone is reading this right now but if you somehow accidentally stumbled across my post, hi, I am Airene and if you are a tiny bit interested in knowing anything about me, all you have to do is go through this blog and that might give you an idea. 

So, I figured I'd just download the blogger's app and start writing anything and everything on the go so expect more such random posts from me. 

As for me and my life, I doubt there's much to share. My life has been quite boring lately although I am not exactly complaining.  After all the storms and challenges in the last few years, I'm relieved to have some boredom, says the girl who once hated being bored. 

All I would say now is "Everything happens for a reason" 

Stay tuned if you want to know more stories about a stranger on the Internet.  I promise it's not all dull and depressing, it gets fun and interesting too. 😉

Love,

A❤️🥂

LOVE - THE DOVE

I nurtured a dove

Whom I named love

For quite a while

She was a selenophile

Love gazed at the moon

As it made her swoon 

Her gorgeous ruffles shone bright

In the night light

Love was a delight

I wanted to keep her safe

In my embrace

Forever, I recall

Little did I know

Forever was an illusion

Flying high and free was her decision

She was a queen

Of everyone's dream

But all she wanted was to fly and never look back

I was sad, taken aback

As she whispered her wishes 

To my face

My heart sank 

As I drank

the pain away

accepting her way

to let her sway

and off she went

Her wings spread like a tent

looking like a star

While I wonder

If she'll ever come back

I know she will never

I can't let go, however

I wish for her peace and happiness

Knowing she will win over the world with her finesse

Even though I and LOVE Part ways

She'll own my heart always 

💜🙏🏻

                                                ~Airene

The Road Trip

"Oh, the car broke down and it's raining!" Elena exclaimed.

They got stranded in the middle of nowhere. It was raining and they were driving for a while. Both of them were hungry. So, the car breaking down that too in a secluded place did them no good. 

Both of them got out of the car and started walking in hopes of finding a place to rest and eat- a shelter for a few hours. 

Few Months Earlier

Elena didn't know much about this guy. This was their first real date after hanging out virtually for a while. Well, the thing about Elena is, she's an introvert with high social anxiety or as most people would say- Weirdo!

But, the people who really know her, know she is a lovable person. Although, she's one of the strongest people you will ever come across. Umm, to put it right, we can say Elena is a toughie but a goofball full of love and practicality. 

She's a hopeless romantic with trust issues so she's too scared of falling in love. She believes in the concept of soulmates but she has given up on finding her soulmate or a partner. Well, to be honest, she has had her heart broken into pieces and she gave up on finding love.

Ever since then she just focused on healing and working. A lot happened in between but one fine Saturday afternoon, while she was scrolling mindlessly through the pointless reels on Instagram and fangirling over her favorite music group, she got a notification that somebody followed her.

Since it was the weekend and she had nothing to do, she decided to stalk this follower. He was a good-looking guy, some kind of entrepreneur, loves music, has a dog, and surprisingly is also into classic literature and fiction. 

She didn't believe it at first and thought that the entire feed was made up to attract people. She decided to play the game and hit 'follow back'. That's how it began. It took him ages to convince her that he is real and he is not trying to fool her. 

Well, it was not love. They just clicked pretty well. Elena values friendship more than anything else and they became very good friends. 

Never, in the whole relationship, or whatever they had going, he forced her to meet or do anything. It was all moving at a pace they were comfortable with. 

One day, while face-timing, he blurted out without thinking much "you know it's high time, we should meet". 

He was just pulling her leg and he knew the obvious response. But, to this surprise, Elena said "okay, let's do it".

The Current Chapter 

Finally, they met, he picked her up and they planned to go for a drive and food. 

This is when the car broke down and they had to find shelter somewhere for a few hours. 

After walking for a while, they found many cars parked in front of what looked like a cottage. 

They went to it and it was crowded with people. It was a beautiful cabin in the woods. 

Unfortunately, the rooms were full and they were escorted into the dining hall where they barely had any place to sit. It was chaotic and loud. 

Elena hates chaos and he knows that. She started complaining about how poor the management is, and how unorganized everything is. 

While this went on, they ordered food and the food turned out to be horrible as well. 

Elena: "ugh, I'm so sorry for today. This is why I told you meeting me ain't a good idea. I'm sure, this is not the date you expected". 

He just smiled. They sat there observing the surroundings and everyone around was complaining about how poor the management is. 

Time went by, and a staff member soon came in and informed them that their car was repaired followed by the manager, who saw him and got shocked. 

He stood in front of the room and asked everyone what their complaints are. He asked the manager to fix things as soon as possible and he'll come back soon. The manager shook his hands and showed them the way out. 

Elena asked, "hmm, that was weird. Why was the manager obliging to your questions? You looked like you know him". 

He smiled and asked her to come outside. They came out and he said "look up" pointing at the name board.

He owned the damn thing and he promised that he'll take care of things to make it better. 

They sat in the car and it started shaking. 

"Elena, Elena wake up, we have to leave" exclaimed her mom. 

Golly gosh, it was just one of her silly dreams again. Elena smiled and proceeded with her day. 

It was trip day for her family and that's why her mom woke her up at dawn. 

The whole family was supposed to go on a road trip to the beach out of town. 

They got ready and left for the trip. Everyone was having fun and the atmosphere of the car was lit. 

A few hours into the trip, the car broke down. 

"Okay, while this gets fixed, let's take a pit stop here. Let us find something, have some food and relax for while" said Elena's fun uncle.

They started walking and her brother said, "look there's a cabin ". 

Elena stood outside the cabin, shocked and surprised. She murmured, "How is this even possible?" 

She looked up at the board and it said "Elena's Castle". 

"Hey, look it's your castle, Elena," said her dad. 

Everyone laughed and went inside. 

Elena was taken aback by what she saw. It was the same cabin, the same interiors, only better, that she saw in her dreams. 

Everyone seemed to recognize Elena and welcomed the whole family. 

"Look, you're famous here. Maybe, they had nothing to do and read your crappy books or blogs" her brother teased. 

She was quiet and she still couldn't believe where she was. How could this happen? She never knew of this place, she has never been here before.

While everyone was relaxing and having a good time, she went out to take a look at the surroundings. She clicked a few pictures and wandered around for a while, sipping coffee and reminiscing about the dream.

They had their food and it was time to leave. The car was also repaired. 

Elena walked out with her family. Her heart was full. One last time, she looked back at the cabin, and the name board and smiled. 

"Elle, come on. It's getting late" 

She went inside the car and embarked on the rest of the journey with a happy heart.

Artwork By Aishani- my little niece

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Characters, businesses, events, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

It's Been A While!

 It has been a while, you guys. I have been thinking about this blog a lot lately. I kept thinking about why I started this blog and what I wanted to convey. I also kept wondering about various ways to grow this blog.💓

However, I kept coming across a saying recently that goes something along the lines "I blog for young girls who wants to feel seen and heard". Unfortunately, I did not save the whole thing and I cannot find the exact lines. 

This kept me awake for a few nights. I started this blog to write my heart out and share the most vulnerable sides of me, the sides that make me question life, the sides that nobody has seen.  I never started this blog with the intention to grow. 

While growing up, I did not have anybody to look up to or any adult to have a conversation with whom they will understand my perspective. I want to become that adult for you. Even if this reaches one of you and if you are struggling with life, know that I am here to hear you out. 

I won't judge you based on your age or problems. It might seem something tiny to someone older than you but if it's bothering you so much, then I am sure it is a huge problem. 

I have friends who are younger than me and they often reach out to me with questions or advice or just to have a general discussion. I want to create that safe space for the beautiful, young people out there. You can say whatever you want here. I will listen. You know why?

Because I wanted someone to listen to me too. I wanted someone to be there beside me while I was struggling without judging or lecturing me on how others have it worse. 

I am no professional and I am not a perfect human being. I won't give you therapy sessions but I want to be a friend. A friend you can trust, you can confide in. 

Am I the happiest person now? Hell No! I am far away from being happy. I just know how to deal with these feelings and how to not let them get to me. 

Also, I cling on to hope for dear life. No matter what, I do not give up hope, ever! That's what I wanted to say to ya'll. 

I will try my best to post frequently on this blog. Meanwhile, if you have any questions or if you want me to write on any particular topic, leave them in the comments. 

Just in case, you want to share something without revealing your identity, something that's bothering you a lot, use this form 💜

Just Another Meltdown In The Shower! 🙂

I stood there like a mess, tears dropping from my eyes, water droplets running through my tresses. 

I started wondering why can't I keep myself in check, why can't I control these flowing tears, I wanted to stop but I couldn't. 

I was out of breathe, I wanted to scream, I wanted someone to hold me while I was losing myself and hug me saying "it's okay" 

I was searching for someone to calm me down but there was no one. Maybe a warm touch would have made me feel better, maybe a palm on my head would have comforted me. 

But there was no one. I kept crying while standing and sitting in the shower, I kept struggling to breathe. At that very moment, I wanted to scream and tell the world that I'm tired, I'm too tired of fighting. I'm tired of everything. 

For once, I want someone to listen to me, to care for me and to be genuinely there. 

But, nobody would understand right? They'll invalidate what I feel by saying "don't get depressed" and "others got it worse" or they'll probably not even listen. 

How can I say that I did not choose to feel this way? I hate feeling this way. My broken heart is further breaking into pieces and I don't know how to express myself. 

If I don't put this out, I'm probably going to pass out from feeling so overwhelmed. I need to get this off. 

I'm being too much right? Overreacting maybe? Maybe I'm. 

People will come with their opinions but when you need them the most, you'll have no one. 

Just another day huh? Just another meltdown in the shower. 

P:C- Pinterest

Life goes on. 🙂

                                               ~Airene

Life Happens! Shit Happens! We Live On! 💖

The more I speak, write and read about mental health, the more I realize how stigmatized it still is. The taboo around mental health is real. Many people still have no clue how serious it can be. The insensitive comments they make towards the mental health posts and issues can affect many people and everyone has their own struggles. 

I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety in my teenage years! 

Things got worse when my grades started dropping. I was a good student and this dip in grades was something I couldn't accept.

I became an average student (neither good at academics nor at co-curricular activities). 

The only escape I had was writing!

I started hating myself and wish I was dead. I tried attempting suicide numerous times (this is the first time I am saying this out loud). I was desperate. 

Then I got into a relationship and became emotionally dependent on that relationship. But, that relationship could not make me love myself. It made things worse. I hated every aspect of being alive. I hated the way I looked, the way I talked and how I was failing at everything. 

Soon, we grew up, became adults, and started living our own lives. Well, my life still revolved around that relationship.

My life revolved around my partner and I didn't have any individuality or space. I didn't realize how toxic it got. That was my only purpose of living (or so I thought). I fought with everyone for him. My friends turned against me, the people I thought to be my closest betrayed me. 

I thought "it doesn't matter, as long as he loves me, I'll live" Do you know what's the biggest irony of life?

I got cheated on by him after dating for almost a decade! Ha-ha! Cheating is a deal-breaker for me in any relationship! 

When I care for someone, I'll go to extreme heights for that person but once you betray me, I'll not look back at you ever again! 

I walked out of that relationship (turns out he already walked out of it before, I just ended it officially). That was the best decision of my life. 

I thought I'll die without him. You know what he said, when I asked him why he did this?

He said "I thought you'd kill yourself so I couldn't tell you anything". 

I answered "No matter what I do, I won't kill myself for you" . I still wanted to be in touch with him because whom am I kidding? I loved him but at that moment I chose me. 

For the first time, I chose myself and never looked back. 

I became numb, I felt nothing that day. The trauma hit me so hard that I didn't know how to react. 

The only people that stood by me during those days were my parents and my best friends. 

I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have them. 

I started having serious episodes again and he would text me out of nowhere to blame me and say how I destroyed his life. 

Yes, I made mistakes too. I always say that I'm a great friend but a terrible girlfriend! I am too clingy and love being with my partner. Maybe that'll change with time. 

For the time being, I'm not ready to go for any commitment. Or maybe I did not find the right person yet, time will tell! One thing that I pride on is my loyalty. I stayed loyal till the end and I'd always stay loyal to near and dear ones. 

I thought my adventures ended here. Oh how wrong was I! The breakup broke me, traumatized me, destroyed my mental health. But, this was just the beginning! 

I used to act numb and cold. It took me a while but eventually I got better. 

What stayed was my depression, my anxiety! I tried seeking help but the therapist I consulted online advised me "move on, there's nothing you could do about it." 

I never sought any professional help after that. I had my friends and they're the best things that happened to me ever. 

Two years later, on December 2021, I got diagnosed with brain tumor! I was finally at a turning point in my career. 

Everything just fell apart in a jiffy. I had to go for surgery and now I'm on a break. 

With this, my depression became much more brutal. I cannot even begin to say how helpless I feel. I am not used to living like this. 

This is just an example of what I went through or what I'm going through. 

Yes I know I'm privileged. But that doesn't mean I don't feel pain. If you never suffered from any mental health illness, I pray you never have to but that doesn't give you the liberty to discard what other people's feelings.

It's highly insensitive to compare your pain with others. It's completely okay to grieve and it's normal to feel how you're feeling. 

Don't say things like "you're privileged", "people have it worse", "it's all in your mind", etc. 

Mental health issues are very much real and they can destroy us. The person sitting next to you in the bus might be having an anxiety attack and you'll be completely oblivious to it. 

My depression gave me insomnia, health issues and a ton of other problems as gifts. 

I've had people tell me the most insensitive things and say how lucky I'm. 

Bro, I might be the richest girl in the universe and still suffer from depression.

We all have pain and we all have the right to grieve. No one's walking in our shoes and no one will understand the pain we are going through. If we can't compare the good things, why compare the pain? It's difficult and it's different for every people out there. 

Let them grieve in peace. That's how they heal and that's how they learn. Instead of saying things like forget, move on, try being by their sides, try being a good listener and try helping them recover.

People going through this are not looking for advice but are looking for a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold and seeking the familiar warmth which they no longer will be able to get. Try feeling the gap, try making them feel less lonely. If you cannot do this, do nothing. Just walk away.

Image Credits: Pexels/Pixabay

The Lost Journey ❤️

 "Hi, It has been such a long time," You said hugging your best friend whom you're meeting after almost two years. 

You guys have always been in touch via text and call but your busy schedules and the current situation has kept you apart for so long. 

"Ahhh, my monkey. Now that I can chew your brain face to face, I feel alive. Life's so boring without you."

You guys laughed and headed inside the restaurant. She's pursuing her master's and you've got a full-time job. 

Both of your schedules are so jam-packed that seeing each other has become almost impossible. But, that hasn't created any difference between you. You're still the same. 

"So, how's everything going?" You asked. 

"Hahahaha! As if you already don't know" She replied. 

"I know, but I cannot believe I'm seeing you after almost two years. Remember during college? We used to hang out every other day even though our colleges were separate" You said. 

"Yeah, we were a happy mess back then" She replied with a sigh. 

"Aren't you happy now?" You asked, taken aback.

"Are you?" She asked you back with a grin. 

"Ahh well, according to people's opinion I earn a decent living, I'm independent and I've friends so I don't have any pain in life. My life is perfect. Happy as ever" You replied. 

"You can pretend in front of the whole world you asshole, but you cannot pretend in front of me. And pain? You don't have pain? I've seen you through everything. The act you put on with that sweet smile can steal millions of hearts but they cannot handle the rawness inside your heart". She replied almost teary-eyed.

"You've not only seen me but you've been with me through everything. You've seen me in days when staying alive wasn't an option for me anymore but you pulled me through it. Bro, you kinda saved my life. And I know you're not happy. Even though this is your dream, you're still not happy. We've been together forever and we've seen each other through everything. " You said

"People also say me that I'm pursuing my masters now, I've rich parents and next I'll pursue P.hd. My life is sorted. I'm the happiest girl in the world. I mean yes I'm lucky and blessed but does that also mean I'm happy? I mean just because my parents work hard and I'm pursuing higher studies means I cannot have any pain in life" She said. 

"People! People are entitled to have an opinion. I know everyone out there is struggling with their own problems but that doesn't give them the right to totally disregard the problem of other people. If you can't respect another individual's feelings, keep your damn mouth shut. Don't disrespect like that. Only if they've seen you like I did and only if they understood what you went through. You're such an inspiration girl and I'm not saying this because you're my best friend. But, I'm saying this because I mean it. " You said with a mellow smile. 

"I can say the same thing to you. I still remember that day when you called me and was like everything is over. I swear babe, I was scared for my life. I thought you'll do something stupid but you're way stronger than that and I'm so proud of you asshole. You're one heck of a strong woman. See the person you've become today. Be proud of yourself" She said. 

"Well, then you should be proud of yourself too and yes I like the way I've turned out to be. I'm still working on myself. But, there are times when I feel too empty, lonely, and heavy at the same time. There's this pain that doesn't go away and makes me feel so many things yet I feel nothing. So many thoughts swarm across my head but again I cannot think anything. I don't know how's that possible. Umm, to put it into short my heart feels heavy, my head feels empty. I don't know how to describe this feeling. " You explained taking a sip of your wine. 

"Hmm, I understand. Given your personality, you don't even open up to anyone or share how you're feeling with anybody else so you just keep it to yourself and feel even more down. I'm sorry I've not been there as much as I should have. I'm really sorry" She said, a tear rolled down from her cheeks. 

"Aye, don't be sorry. I couldn't be there for you as well. We were busy and judging how much of a nerd you've become with all these syllabus and books, I wouldn't have bothered you either like you didn't tell me you weren't happy." You said smiling. 

"Classic you! You'll never change. Well, I feel empty too and I cannot trust people. In fact, the amount of times we've been backstabbed, it's better for us not to trust people. I just have you and am glad for that. Please promise to reach out to me whenever you feel down" 

"I will only if you promise to do the same". You being the classic you cracked a deal. 

"Deal" she replied

"When did we grow up so much and why did we get so lost? This wasn't our plan. Our 20s weren't supposed to be like this" She asked you. 

"Hmm, aren't we all lost and broken?" You said. 

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Characters, businesses, events, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual events are purely coincidental.

The Feeling Of Falling 💖

 "Hey Monkey" You heard him call out your name from a distance.

"You idiot, you're late again" You yelled at your best friend.

Both of you have been best friends since kindergarten and you have basically spent your entire lives together. But, there's something about him that you find different these days.

Maybe, you started seeing him in a different light, maybe he is becoming more than just a best friend to you!

Well, he liked you since you were a kid and he was very clear about it. Now, you are having the same feelings about him too, but you got worried.

You hung out all the time and both of you were very clear of your hearts. But, there's something that kept stopping you!

"Well, what's the problem? I mean you guys are together for your entire lives. He has liked you since forever and now you like him back too. Isn't that a good thing? " Your sister asked.

"No! It isn't. I'm just too scarred and scared to fall in love and I'm afraid I'll hurt him. His smile will fade away if he sees me like that again" You replied with a sigh!

"What makes you think so? Isn't this worth taking a risk?"

"No sis, not again! I'm just too broken"

"Can he not fix you?"

"He practically saved my life and was there for me throughout everything. Nobody but I can fix myself and I'm afraid it'd take a long time"

"What's so wrong about falling in love? It's a beautiful feeling!"

"Yes, it is beautiful. The feeling of falling is beautiful. You know it's okay when you're just falling, it's okay when the other one is falling too. The moment your love is reciprocated is when things start to go wrong. You build up expectations, even though you say you won't. It just comes naturally. We cannot do anything about it. They don't live up to your expectations, you don't live up to their expectations, your wounds become fresh and you start bleeding again. It will destroy you over and over again if you don't fix yourself" you replied.

"Hmm, what now?!"

"Nothing. Things will go like the way they are"

"So, you're going to bottle up your feelings again?"

"Um, yes, pretty much, and keep being the best friend that I'm"

"It won't hurt you?"

"No, it won't. Rather, it makes me happy. Just being with him makes me happy and I've absolutely no regrets" you said with a big, happy grin, but the pain was invincible in your eyes, in your smile.

"Well, it's your life, but what if he moves on?" Your sister asked, rather concerned.

"I'm hoping he would. He's the best and he deserves to be loved by someone who can give him the world and that isn't me"

Your phone beeped right at that moment!

He texted you

"I'm downstairs. Open up. I got beer and chicken"

You smiled and ran downstairs. Nothing beats the combination of beer and chicken. It's your favorite.

"Why the sudden appearance, idiot?" You asked him.

"I was missing you and I wanted to sit under the sky with you," he said looking straight into your eyes.

You just stood there and smiled. This feeling that you were feeling confused you on how to react.

"What? I didn't ask you to say it back. Now, will you please help me with these bags? Stop being such a princess. Do some work you lazy ass" he screamed being the smug he is.

You hurriedly took the bags and climbed up the stairs to your terrace.

This was your happy place. Well, to be honest, this was your comfort place. Whenever things got crazy, you came up here with him, sat on the edge, sipped on a bottle of beer, and feasted on some chicken.

Today was the same. You sat there with him, let the cool breeze brush through the strands of your hair, and the music fades away in the background. With the bottle of beer in your hand, you caught a glimpse of his face in the moonlight and felt a sense of peace. You thought "Well, I love him" to yourself and he caught you staring.

You looked away and smiled.

"So, this is how it goes?" He asked.

"Maybe," you replied with your legs dangling on the edge and smiling.

You don't know what the future holds for you, but all you know that this very moment is all the happiness and peace you could ask for.

Image Source: Pinterest

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Characters, businesses, events, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual events are purely coincidental.

Dear Anxiety!

 Hey! We meet again. It has been a while, right? My hands started shivering, I felt numb, I started sweating and my heart started racing. It became so hard to breathe. It was so painful. You know I cried today and I don't even know the reason why. I didn't want to cry. I cried after a while. Everything stopped and became blurry for some time. 

Image source: Pinterest

Ahh well! I thought I was doing fine, I thought I was thriving. Honestly, I was! Everything seemed ok and out of nowhere, you came today. Why? What was the reason for giving me this pain? Lol, it's foolish of me to even ask this now. If there was an answer to this then I guess I would have found out long ago. You know I can live without you. I can live happily without you and I would prefer that. But now that you're a part of me, I cannot help but accept you and fight with you for the peace of my mind. It started back in school right? When I was in kindergarten and I cried because my colour crossed the black border of that doll on the artbook? Or did it start when I came 5th and cried because I didn't top? Or was it when I was nervous at my viva exams? This just became a thing. Little did little me know back then that this particular feeling will stay with me forever and this is what we call anxiety. Little did teen me know that her nervousness for the maths exam was way more than just nervousness. Little did she know that she would also become a victim of depression. Little did she know that the cocktail of anxiety and depression is not great. She fell victim to all these without having any knowledge of what was happening. Nobody told me what to do, nobody guided me, nobody saw the real thing behind the facade that I wore. I mastered the art of fake smiling at a young age and everyone assumed I'm a very happy little girl. Well, the sleeves of my school uniform covered multiple scars. Scars of me punishing myself, scars of me trying to get some relief from the mental pain, scars of feeling satisfied to see the blood ooze out. Behind that smile hid numerous attempts when she decided to end her life and when she started living on sleeping pills. But, nothing killed me. 

Image source: Pinterest

You tried so hard. You tried so bad to kill me, end me, finish me, drain me. Well, you kinda drained me and I got exhausted with the fight. I gave up almost until one fine day I lost everything a person could lose. I lost the only dream I had left, I lost all my hopes of life. That was the day you snatched away a lot but that was also the day when Airene became fearless. She was no longer the scared little girl. Do you know why? Because she has nothing more to lose now. When a woman has nothing left to lose, she becomes fearless and a fearless woman can overcome anything and everything. So, try hard, stay with me and watch me fight you like a queen. I'm alone but I'm not afraid. I'm independent, fearless and someone who doesn't deserve this pain. I am like a phoenix who only rises stronger from her ashes. 

Image Source: Pinterest

Anxiety, you are not likely to part ways with me and so I accept you as a part of me. But, I won't let you win. This time, it's me who's in charge and even though you can trigger the worst of my emotions, making it painful for me to breathe or do anything, I'll pause and let it sway over to the other end. I'll pause and take a break. But I won't let you win. This is my life and I'm in control. If I've come so far, overcoming so much then I can do it for the rest of my life too. 

                                                                ~Airene

                                         

                               

2020: It's a wrap!

Hey everyone, how are you all doing? It's New Year’s Eve. 2020 has finally come to an end now. Woah! What a crazy year it has been. From forest fires to the deadly pandemic to a destructive cyclone- we have seen it all this year. We have also lost a lot of people this year- from loved ones to legends. It has not been an easy year at all. So, I wanted to publish a post to bid adieu to 2020 and wrap things up. My last post was about self-healing and hope. Things might get a little awry in this one so please bear with me and remember at the end of everything, there's still hope. ❤

 

Well, personally for me 2020 did not begin on a great note. I had to go through something that was very draining emotionally. I would not get over it ever. But, the show must go on and I could not give up on life. So, I continued to push myself and live. What I taught was living was barely surviving. I kept on working and working to distract myself. I did not sleep at all. All I did was work. I barely ate anything. I did not take care of myself. I overworked to the point that it drained me. Then I lost a family member who was very special to me. I did not speak about it, and I would like not too, since words cannot express what I felt. 

Life came to a standstill. I used work as an excuse to distract myself everything that was happening. Things got overwhelming. So, at the end of October, I decided it was too much and I need to slow down. I need to face my feelings, my emotions and stop running away from it. So, I took a break from everything and started facing a bunch of emotions that were being piled on. It was a lot. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. It became hard for me to breathe. I lost interest in everything. I stopped talking to everyone and went on a hiatus. My health started deteriorating, my mental health went haywire and I had a major burnout. I am still sick but I am glad I had that burnout. It is still not easy but I am doing much better. 

One good thing that happened is that I became extremely comfortable being by myself and doing things alone. It also helped me get rid of a lot of toxicity and negativity. Although, I am not at my absolute best I want to start the New Year on a good note. So, I pulled myself out of bed, got a little dressed up, brushed my hair, cleansed and moisturized my face, applied some tint and turned on my computer. I know it's TMI but for people like us, even the little chores like these can take a lot of efforts. Therefore, let's not lose hope and bid adieu to 2020 like the true warriors we are. 

This was not our year

We lost people near and dear,

Yet we fought and won like warriors

So, hold on to your hopes and tighten your gears

Here's wishing everyone a very

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Adios 2020! 💓

A State Of Euphoria: Time To Heal!

 Hi everyone! What's up? How are you all doing? Welcome back to my little world. It has been more than a year since I wrote anything here. The last blog that I wrote was quite heavy and indicated a fresh start. That's what I have been doing since then. I took the time to work, heal myself, and find myself all over again. ❤

Well, obviously it was not unicorns and rainbows all the time. In fact, the majority of this phase was quite rough and patchy. The road was bumpy. It was very difficult but not impossible. After what it seems like more than a year, several bumpy rides, several happy moments later, I can proudly say that I am doing better than ever. Am I completely healed? No! Am I happy with myself? Yes, and I am constantly thriving to become a better version. Now, coming back to this post. Did you read the title? A state of "Euphoria'! Well, yes the name is inspired by one of my favorite songs "Euphoria" sang by Jungkook from BTS. ❤

This year has been crazy, right? It changed our lives most unexpectedly. I'll be lying if I say that the situation did not take a toll on me. It did, it drained the living hell out of my soul. Being stuck at home every day makes me feel sick and unproductive. I cannot get any work done if I am unmotivated. But, I constantly pushed myself to make the best of it. Some days I just kept lazing around and some days I went too harsh on myself. But, after struggling for months I'm at a point where I am doing better. I have never felt so much peace in my life before. I don't depend on others for being happy or expect anything from anyone. I have learned to love myself, prioritize myself, and be responsible for my own happiness. 💗

Happiness is a choice and I ain't giving that right to anyone. There was a time when I used to be extremely uncomfortable with myself. Now, I feel the most comfortable with myself. I like spending time with myself and caring for myself. Simple things like watching the sunrise/sunset, moon, the night sky, spending time with my cousins, cuddling with my cats, chatting with my friends, working, listening to music, etc make me happy. This year really gave me the time to reflect, contemplate, and make some major life decisions. I gave up something I didn't like doing and started investing myself in doing things I love. 💗💗

With all that being said, I also learned a few lessons this year. The first one is how important it is to be comfortable with ourselves, being independent, emotionally stable, and also you need to know how to control your emotions. Trust me guys, if you know how to love yourselves, care for yourselves, and pay  attentionto the little things, you need nobody to become happy. Be carefree, not careless, cherish the moment while preparing for a better future, don't be too harsh on yourselves, do something you love, don't give up on your dreams, keep fighting. Remember, you have got one life and you need to make the best of it. Do not think about surviving, live! Let us wrap this up in the classic Airene style:

Life's kinda blurry,
everything seems a little scary
but don't you worry,
cuz, they will send us the fairy
to help us heal and take the ferry

to a better prairie

where euphoria will dawn upon us and

Christmas will again be merry! 

Stay Safe, Stay Healthy! ❤

Disclaimer: All pictures are shot and edited by me. Kindly do not use it elsewhere! 

Set Of A New Dawn!

Hey everyone! Umm, I don't know how to start, but it has been a long time. It has been months since I last wrote. Let alone write; I almost disappeared from the blogging world. A lot has changed in these few months. I think I gave the same intro in my last post as well. But, this time, the changes were catastrophic. I, never in my life imagined I could go through something like this. Well, to be precise, my life turned upside down this year. It changed overnight. If you know me or follow me on social media, then you definitely know I got a job this year. Yes, I'm super grateful for that, and that is a good change.

You must be wondering if everything is okay, then what do I mean by "catastrophic changes."? Well, if you know me somehow, then you also know I had a long-term relationship with a very special person. He was a part of my life for eleven years. Okay, how do I say this? We broke up. Yes, we are not together anymore. No, I don't have any hard feelings for him, and I wish him all the very best in his life. However, the whole breakup experience was quite traumatic for me. I never imagined it would happen, but the universe had other plans, and it happened.

Nevertheless, I have some wonderful people in my life who held my hand and helped me through this whole process. I may sound like a whining teenager to you but trust me it's hard. I am 22, and I had my entire life figured out, and then everything came crashing down, which shattered my heart.

Some of you might also want to know how am I now? I am trying to put my broken pieces together and just live my life. I don't want to think about the past or future. I want to feel each moment I am living because you never know if you'd get the chance to experience it again. The two things I am trying to learn are self-love and prioritising myself over anyone else. I can proudly say now "I choose to make myself happy, and I won't feel guilty about it."

So, that was it. The major life update I had to give, or you can say I'm giving myself a closure with this post. I don't have any idea what I wrote and if anything made any sense at all. What am I hoping for now?

Well,

Walking through the lawn,

 Looked back at the life I've drawn,

I smiled, a little withdrawn

Walked ahead towards the 

Set Of a New Dawn!

My beautiful brother! 😢

Hey everyone, it's been a long, long time again. A lot has changed in the last few months. You might think what made me write again? Well, recently I lost my very dear pet cat whom I loved and cared like my little brother. Ever since life has been super hard for me. I could not sleep, eat, or do anything.  So, I thought the perfect goodbye is to write him an open letter that would stay on the internet forever.

Dear Gogo,
           

               It was exactly 4:00 am when we heard a kitten meowing out of nowhere. We thought one of our existing kittens was playing so we went back to sleep. But, the meowing continued to get louder. At this point, we were a little worried. Dad woke up and opened the door only to find a little frightened kitten pacing around. The moment we saw you, we fell in love with you and took you in our arms. I embraced you as an early birthday gift since you graced our lives fifteen days before my 21st birthday. We officially welcomed you in our lives on 13th July 2018, 4:30 am IST. My mom named you Gogo.

 You filled our lives with so much joy and emotions. I took you as my baby brother and you became a part of me. You started growing into a naughty little cat. You ruffled everyone with your naughtiness but captured everyone's heart with cuteness. So, no one could ever be angry with you. The only person who annoyed you was me because I am your elder sister and I had every right to do so. I cuddled you so much in that you were fed up with me but I know you loved me equally. We had so much fun together. You became such an important part of my life that I had to begin my day by cuddling you. It was impossible for me to do anything without seeing you at least once. No matter where you went you would come back home.

 Everything was going great. I was so happy, everyone was happy until 10 months later on 8th June 2019 you went missing. You disappeared into thin air. There was no trace of you. You were nowhere to be found. Everyone searched for you crazily. I am typing this on 16th June 2019. It has been 8 days you haven't been home.

 We all are still searching for you. After you went, I fell apart. I lost my appetite, sleep and the will to do anything. Every time I would try to eat or go to sleep, your face would float in front of me. Remember those endless photo sessions and video shoots? Well, those are my hope now. I could see those innocent eyes looking at me. I start crying randomly throughout the day. Nights mean wet pillows. I would still stare outside waiting for you to come back. I see our other cats playing but you are not there. You are special, you are my baby brother. 

I promise I will pull myself up but I will keep waiting for you. If we don't meet in my lifetime, I will definitely meet you on the other side. I just want you to know that I love you. I love you so much I could not even imagine to put it into words. I miss you every second. Life is so tough without you. Stay safe and happy wherever you are. We will not stop waiting for you. You are a part of me that won't be replaced ever by anyone. I love you and I miss you. 

                                                                                                                           Your Annoying Sister,

                                                                                                                                    Airene!